


All the Colours

by MessrsMoa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Jewish Remus Lupin, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Mutual Pining, Nurse Sirius Black, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Romance, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, jily, mentions of eating disorders, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:27:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 36,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27942236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MessrsMoa/pseuds/MessrsMoa
Summary: A modern AU Wolfstar fic where 22 year old witty, sarcastic and loving Remus Lupin has lived the last twelve years of his life with cancer. One day he meets the eccentric, chain-smoker, ray of sunshine that is Sirius Black and the rest you´ll just have to read.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 105
Kudos: 160





	1. When Blue met Gold

**Author's Note:**

> Hey loves this is my first fic I´ve ever posted on here and I am sooo excited for you to read it! A quick shout-out to my friend Emma who proof-read this whole chapter for me and has all in all been such a good support system for me. She has an account on here under twelvegrimmauldplace (someforeignband) and on tiktok (twelve.grimmauld.place) so go show her some love! I also have tiktok where I post Harry Potter content (mostly about the marauders) it´s moonyxmoa. And with that I hope you enjoy <3 DISCLAIMER: I do not support J.K Rowling or her disgusting views in any way.

**12 years ago...**

This time it had really hurt. Sirius tried to lift his arm but couldn’t manage it without gasping from the pain. It seared through his arm like lightning and he decided it was better to just let it be. He looked up at his father, who stood leaning on the front desk, talking slowly to an elderly woman in a hushed voice. All around him, in the forest green and white emergency room, sat people of different ages. Sirius eyes fell to the corner where an old man with a big hat sat reading the newspaper, the boy thought to himself that he did indeed look an awful lot like the man from the game monopoly and had to stifle a giggle at the thought of him wearing a monocle. A few seats away from him sat two teenage boys: one had a huge black eye with blood running from a cut on his left temple, and the other was sporting a bruised and slightly crooked nose with dried blood beneath it. Sirius let his gaze travel across the room until it landed on a friendly and small looking woman, he guessed in she was in her thirties, and next to her a young boy, who couldn’t have been older than Sirius himself.

Sirius had just turned ten years old and beamed with pride over this important milestone. He was now officially a part of the double-digits age club, which basically meant he was a grown up in his opinion. His mother, well, _she clearly thought differently_ , Sirius thought, while looking down at his sure-to-be broken arm and felt an anxious tug in his stomach. This was not the first time something like this had happened, but it had certainly been one of the worst.

Sirius Black led a life like so many other ten year olds, he had a best friend, James, who he probably loved more than anyone in this world except for his brother Regulus. He went to a nice school where he got exceptionally good grades, and prided himself on getting the highest marks on every test. He usually took the part of the class clown because, from a young age, Sirius understood that apart from being very bright he also had a lot of charisma, and decided to use that for the good. Making people laugh or feel better was the only thing that mattered in this world, according to Sirius. Being the one to bring some sunshine into other people’s life, if that was pulling a prank, helping someone with their homework, or simply making a joke during class then he felt compelled to do it.

Even though he was a very good student Sirius had a hard time concentrating, and felt he always had all of this built-up energy. This, Sirius knew, was not good. His mother and father had made that _quite clear_. That were one of the reasons he so often sat in this very waiting room with a new bruise, sprained limb, or, as anyone could see now, a broken arm. At least when he wasn’t able to put himself back together which he had to learn at a young age.

Sirius also had a brother, Reggie, who was the light of his life. He, too, was the reason Sirius so often got a new bruise, scars, or black-eye. Regulus was a year younger than Sirius, and apart from Sirius burning desire to make people laugh and feel better, his one and only reason to keep going was Reggie, making sure he was always okay. He didn’t know how many times he had taken the blame for Reg. But Sirius knew he would always take the blame for his younger brother, this he knew with _every fiber of his being_. It was hell of a lot better to be the target of his mother’s anger than seeing his brother face it. Sirius knew that Reggie adored him, and that only seemed to spur him on further when he was feeling especially cocky or jokey, just as it had on that specific day. His mother didn’t like it when Sirius got confident and loud like that, and he knew very well that was the very reason he now sat with a broken arm and bruises covering the right side of his body. He knew it was as his mother said 'his own fault'. Even though the fall wasn’t his fault, it was Sirius who had brought his mother to act that way. That much had always been made clear to the ten-year old. _It was always his fault for getting beaten, pushed and punished_.

Sirius broke away from his thoughts and wiped away the tears that were slowly but surely traveling further down his slightly pink cheeks. Sobering up from his hazy state, he noticed that he had been staring at the woman and boy for almost five minutes. He let his gaze travel upwards and his wet piercing blue eyes immediately found those of an almost warm, amber, or maybe even golden, colour. Sirius, who had never seen eyes quite like that before, suddenly felt transported to a sunny perfect autumn day. Those nearly inhuman coloured eyes belonged to a boy with light-brown, curly hair and small freckles on his nose and a few on his cheeks. Beside him sat, presumably, his mother holding a book in her lap which she was reading aloud. Neither of the boys took their eyes away from each other but kept staring as if it was a game. Sirius was definitely not going to lose either way, stubborn as he was.

After maybe a minute of pure staring something suddenly dawned on Sirius. He didn’t know how he knew, but he was certain that the second he looked away from those incredibly warm and mesmerizing eyes the world would go back to what it had always been, anxious, horrible, and full of different shades of grey. Sirius didn’t want the world to go back to grey. He was desperate to not let himself go back to grey. Those golden eyes may be the only real sunshine and warmth he would ever experience, he thought to himself, panicking more and more by the second. More tears silently travelled down his cheeks. Suddenly someone yanked his non-broken arm roughly and his eyes snapped away and he was staring into the grey ones of his father instead.

"Sirius Orion Black you wipe away those tears right now! Black’s don’t cry! Orion Black hissed in a hushed but stern and grave voice. Sirius swallowed hard and looked down onto his lap again.

"Yes father." He said while dabbing his cheeks dry with the sleeve of his jersey.

A rather plump looking nurse with a slightly red face and brown hair came hurriedly from one of the corridors and called out;

"Remus Lupin? Is there a Remus Lupin here?"

Sirius who had looked up as the nurse spoke heard some shuffling to his right and let his gaze once again travel to the boy with golden eyes.

Remus felt his shoulders tense up. He didn’t want to go with the big woman. He wanted to go home. He was still very tired after having fainted at home. Remus slowly allowed himself to look up and once again saw that the black haired boy with the piercing blue eyes had them fixed on him. Remus getting more anxious by the second looked down on his hands that kept trembling, and shook his head trying to slow down his breathing. He felt that it was not only the other boy’s eyes that was on him but also the greenish brown eyes of his mom.

"Yes! Over here!" His mothers voice rang. "Come on now darling, nothing to be afraid of!" Her voice was now directed at him, soothing and kind.

"But mum, I don’t wanna go. I want to go home!" Remus replied in a small voice trying to hold back tears. His mother squatted down in front of him and gave him a kind smile and opened her mouth to speak once more.

"Oh cariad, I understand that but this is just like we talked about before. You remember how you fainted at home and you hit your head? Well me and dad just want to make sure that you, our darling boy, are alright."

Remus still didn’t want to come and crossed his arms in a defiant way. Couldn’t she understand that he wanted to be at home resting in his own comfy bed? He felt even more tired than usual and lately tired seemed to be the only thing he was feeling. As if his mother could read his thoughts she continued.

"My love, I understand how tired you must feel, but I need you to try to find that extra strength inside of you, okay? Be brave like all of those knights we read about just some minutes ago, cariad?" At once Remus started feeling better, he did indeed want to be brave like the knights who was the main characters of so many of his most precious books, but somehow he didn’t know exactly how to be that. His mother gave him another gentle and caring look while moving her right hand towards the Star of David that hung from his neck. She looked at it while holding the star in between her fingers, gently moving her thumb over it a few times before once again speaking.

"Remus my darling, can you do that for me?" Hope said and took his chin with her hands, letting the necklace fall back into its usual place around the boys´neck, and tilted his little face up so that their eyes, greenish brown and golden, met. Remus mustered up his strength and nodded slowly. He could be brave for her. His mother smiled and together they stood up and went with the nurse starting down the long white corridor.

Sirius, who still hadn’t taken his eyes off of the other boy, watched the scene with envy as he and his mother, holding hands, made their way further down the corridor. Right when he decided to look away the boy with the golden eyes suddenly turned his head around looking straight into his own. Although, Sirius who could easily have sworn that those mere seconds had been the longest seconds of his life, they were soon gone as the boy turned a corner and disappeared from view.

Sirius, growing more and more aware that the curly haired boy with the golden eyes was indeed gone now, sank deeper into his chair. Meanwhile hearing his intoxicated father starting to snore in the seat next to him Sirius felt his reality, consisting of shades of grey, slowly creep back in.


	2. St Mungo´s

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus goes to St Mungo´s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi loves!! Thank you so so much for the amount of support on the first chapter of this fic, this fic means so much to me and I am so happy you like it. I´m sorry it took some time for this next chapter to be posted, my family and I have recently lost my aunt from cancer and it has been hard for us to say the least. Cancer truly is in every single way incomprehensible and awful. This is one of the many reasons I chose to write about cancer, it is something that is very close to heart. In honour of my aunt I dedicate this to her, may she rest in peace.
> 
> Once again I want to thank Em (twelvegrimmauldplace) for looking through the chapter before hand, check out her fic "Please Please me" !!!

"Oh for fucks´ sake!" Sirius muttered under his breath while lying on his stomach looking underneath the brown fake leather couch.

"OI JAMES! HAVE YOU SEEN MY KEYS?" He shouted while climbing to his feet, pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes, little stars appearing in front of his closed eyelids. He was already late as it was. Groaning, he picked up a grey shirt which lay on top of the small rectangle coffee table, and scanned underneath it for the missing keys.

"FIRST OF ALL..." James´ voice rang loudly from behind the closed door nearest the kitchen. The door swung open hard, and in its stead, stood a rather tall man with brown skin and a mop of messy black hair, wearing nothing but his white boxers, looking very annoyed.

"…It´s eight in the bloody morning!" He continued putting his round glasses on top of the bridge of his nose. Sirius looked sheepishly at his brother, _in_ _everything but blood_.

"Sorry mate, I know you worked late last night." He said while continuing to throw things around in search for his keys. James advanced further into the room still looking a bit put out, but as the ever-loyal friend he was, began to help.

"Okay relax! Uhm…I heard it´s good to retrace your steps when you´ve lost something. Right?" He said, bringing his right hand up towards his already messy hair making it even messier, trying to ease Sirius, who was practically frantic at this point. Sirius stopped and dropped another shirt to the floor, and began going through the events of last night in his head muttering silently under his breath.

 _Uhm okay last night when he had gotten home from his walk- or if he was completely honest last cigarette of the day- he went straight to the kitchen._ While his thoughts gathered, he followed his actions of the night before and started towards the kitchen. Sirius thought of the Sherlock episode he and James had watch some nights prior, kind of feeling like some sort of detective walking through the steps of a crime scene. He laughed a little to himself and James, looking somewhat confused, furrowed his brows and asked him what he was giggling at.

Getting his mind back on track Sirius just shook his head in response. _He was going to watch his favourite tv show ‘The Vampire Diaries’. Yes! That was the reason he went to the kitchen. He always ate his vegan chocolate fudge ice cream to the show, it was simply a **must**._

Suddenly it all fell into place. Sirius ran towards the white fridge and pulled the handle a little bit too roughly, making it wobble back and forth. There, on the top shelf, lay his keychain, consisting of his keys, a black round poof, a charm of a dog and a star. Ecstatic, he took them with his left hand and raised them up into the air, as a sign of victory.

"We make a pretty good team! Eh Watson?" Sirius said whilst winking towards James, who simply shook his head.

"If u ever wake me up this early again, I will be turning into Moriarty!" James said, going over to his brother, trying to hide the smile that was creeping onto his face. But it always came too easily around Sirius, as James just laid a hand on his shoulder and continued, "Good luck today mate!"

Sirius raised his own hand to James´ and smiled back, "Thank you! You absolute soppy git!" and ran towards the door pulling his leather jacket and scarf on before James had the chance to smack him over the head. Before slamming the door shut, he turned to James one last time catching his hazel coloured eyes.

“I´ve made you lunch and dinner…make sure you eat it mate?” His voice sounding almost pleading. James raised his hand to his hair once again, not quite meeting Sirius´ eyes. But after a small nod from him, Sirius closed the door and began running down the stairs from their flat.

\--

Remus stood in front of the mirror looking into his own golden eyes, trying to take a deep breath. He let his gaze travel up to his curly brown hair. It had been such a long time since his hair had been that long, and looked even remotely that healthy. A smile crept onto his face, but as soon as it had, it faded. He couldn´t get his hopes up. Remus knew that getting his hope up only meant that he would be disappointed later on. After all, _his whole life had proved that_. He took another deep breath and closed his eyes. Be brave, he thought to himself. Suddenly his phone made a sound and he jumped slightly, startled from the whistling tune breaking the otherwise complete and utter silence that filled the room. He picked it up and the smile instantly returned to his lips.

**From: Lil (flower emoji, devil emoji)**

**"Hey love, just wanted to check up on you before your doctor´s visit. How are you?"**

Remus thought for a few seconds and typed out two words in response. **"I´m fine."**

He sent the text and just as he was about to put his phone away it rang. And to absolutely no one’s surprise, it was Lily. Sliding his long index finger across the screen he put it to his right ear and sighed.

"Well, I bid you good day my darling! It is so pleasant to hear from you this fine morning!" He said in an overly aristocratic voice.

"And hello to you to my dear man!" She replied with the same mocking voice and Remus could hear the grin growing on her face.

"So what do you want?" He said sounding much more annoyed than he meant to.

Lily tutted and said, "You know well enough that _I_ know that 'I´m fine' in _Remus_ means that you are not at all fine." Remus let out a soft chuckle, and Lily continued. "So how are you...really?" Her voice now gentle, taking on a comforting tone.

Remus drew a shaky breath and simply said the truth. "I´m fucking scared Lils." It was harder than he thought it would be, to let the words he hadn´t stopped thinking about all morning escape his mouth. But he knew they were _safe_ with her.

"I know Rem. Do you want me to come with you?" Lily´s soft voice rang, bringing him back from wherever his mind was slowly drifting off to.

"Nah, it´s fine." He shrugged, leaning with his back against his front door, trying to sound calm.

"Well… if you ‘being fine’ means that you are scared as hell, then I guess this time it means you want me to come?" Lily laughed, and Remus stifled another chuckle as well.

"Actually…this time I meant it." He replied, sucking in a shaky breath.

Silence.

"I swear!" He added hastily so she would know it was the truth. If Remus were certain of anything in this confusing fucked up world, it was that neither of them would ever break a promise to one another. Lily took her time answering and then trusting him said,

"Okay love. Call me when you´re done?" Remus felt his shoulders relax more and nodded. "Yes of course! You´ll be my first call. But listen Lily I gotta go now so..."

"So I´ll talk to you soon."

"Talk to you soon." He answered, but before he had hung up, her voice carried through the phone once more.

"I´ll miss you my darling! Don´t you stay away to long!" She said in a sarcastic, melodramatic voice. Remus laughed and answered in the same voice only an octave deeper.

"My love don´t you fret! You´ll always have me near, in here!" He said pointing to his own heart as if she could see him, and then pushed the red button, ending the call.

He leaned against the door for a few more seconds, then pushed himself forward, putting his blue over-size jean jacket on over his forest green hoodie. Taking his keys and locking the door to his flat, he was once again, for probably the millionth time, off to the hospital.

––

Sirius turned the keys and lifted his right leg over the massive, black motorcycle. Using his foot, he pulled out the kickstand, and let his beloved bike lean on it. After locking it he caressed the seat and mumbled to the- at least to anyone else but Sirius- inanimate object.

“Okay baby, I’ll be back before you know it.” Before half walking, half running to the door leading from the garage to the hospital. Sirius had just finished nursing school, and this was his first official day as a nurse. And of course, in true Sirius fashion, he was running late. Despite being exceptionally bright and kind- and of course handsome- Sirius was aware that he had _one_ fatal flaw, he was _always_ running late.

Sirius had known that he wanted to be a nurse for a long time, probably forever actually. Ever since his brother had gotten his first scar, first bruise, first black eye, he knew. From then on, it was up to Sirius to patch him up. He knew he was good at it, too. Not only had Sirius lots of training taking care of people physically, both in real life and during school, but he also had an uncanny ability to help people with the emotional part of recovery. Sirius was certain that he of all people knew that a person´s mental health was just as important as your physical one. Coming from an extremely religious and abusive household, he knew a thing or two about mental health struggles, having dealt with anxiety and depression from a young age. Living in a world where he felt no sense of control, Sirius soon found that the only thing that he had power over was how he behaved towards other people.

All of this had led Sirius to feel that if he had the possibility to help someone else feel better, not only physically but mentally, he had to do it. He simply had no choice in the matter, it was as you say his _life’s calling_. Therefore when he now, after having changed his clothes to the blue matching top and bottom nurse uniform, was staring up at the big sign that read “Oncologist department” he knew that he had come to the right place. Sirius´ natural born charisma and the ability to make anyone within a mile smile made him very qualified for a job at that specific department at St. Mungo’s.

He hurriedly continued into the nurses’ joint office, putting his shoulder bag down together with his black leather jacket, and sat on one of the red computer chairs. It was now exactly nine and he had, thankfully, _just_ made it on time. Relaxing a bit more he turned his gaze up towards the computer screen, logged into his account, and started looking through his patients’ folders and tasks for the day. Suddenly he felt a hand on his right shoulder, he turned around and an instant smile started to spread on his face.

“Hiya Marls!” Sirius said with such genuine enthusiasm. He and Marlene had gone through nursing school together and, besides James, she was probably his closest friend. Luckily enough they had both been able to get a job at the oncologist. Just as Sirius Marlene had the natural born characteristics of a nurse and was as caring as she was kind.

“Hey there, running a bit late are we?” She countered, a grin now playing on her lips too while her left dark-blonde eyebrow shot up towards her hairline. Sirius chuckled and told her the story about his missing keys, and that he had eventually found them in his freezer but was interrupted when he was about to ask her what she had been up to.

“Good morning everyone!” Rang the kind and happy voice of Doctor Poppy Pomfrey.

“Good morning!” The nurses together with the assistant nurses murmured back while directing their attention towards the middle-aged dark blonde woman standing in front of them.

“So, now that you are all here the night-shifters have gone home. I´d like to introduce you to and welcome our two latest editions to the team: nurses Sirius Black and Marlene McKinnon who both have just finished nursing school.” She said while gesturing with towards the pair seated on the right side of the office. The doctor continued looking at the two of them, addressing them directly this time.

“You´ll see that, here, we treat each other like family. It is not an easy task taking care of people with cancer or other tumour diseases, as I´m sure you know. Our job is not only to help them manage or reduce the physical pain, but to provide a safe space and secure their mental and emotional wellbeing. It is a very demanding and testing job, but much more awarding than anything else… I can assure you. If you have any questions; you can find me in the office down the corridor to the left.” Sirius nodded showing her he had taken in every word. He looked around the room, seeing that each and every one of the nurses and assistant nurses looked at the doctor with such awe-struck faces. In that moment, he was certain that this woman was something else.

“Now come one everybody! We all have rounds to do and I have to go see my first patient of the day!” She ended her morning speech, went out into the hallway, and turned left. The nurses and assistant nurses’ shook Sirius’ and Marlene’s hands introducing themselves and began to work. He looked up at the blonde standing next to him where he sat and gave a shrug and a smile as in ‘let´s get started’. They too took their clipboards and went out into the hallway, Marlene turning to the left and Sirius to the right, walking towards the waiting area.

––

Remus knew his way around St. Mungus by now _. He could probably do it in his sleep or blindfolded_ , he thought to himself and huffed a small laugh. Heading straight to the Oncologist department he pushed open the double glass doors that led to it. Next to the door, he put some hand sanitizer onto his hands, and rubbed it in while walking to the front desk and tapped the glass three times with his long index finger.

“Hi Alice!” He mouthed to the small woman with a black pixie cut who sat behind it with a phone to her ear. The woman looked up, startled at the sound, but visibly relaxed after seeing who had made it. She waved back, and with a friendly smile pointed to one of the armchairs to the left of the desk. Remus nodded and made his way over to the waiting area. He sat down while picking up today´s newspaper, which lay beside the red armchair on a small brown wooden table. He started reading the Daily Prophet, as their local newspaper was called, and settled down to wait.

After a minute or two he heard the clattering of chairs and hushed voices from the nurses´ office. Remus knew that the morning meeting was finished. It was only a matter of time before his doctor came to greet him. He looked up and saw Doctor Pomfrey head further away down the corridor, presumably to leave some papers in her office before getting him, and he tried to relax. It was not an easy task to relax this close to a check-up meeting. It had never been easy.

Remus was only ten years old when he was first diagnosed with cancer, specifically leukaemia. He remembered the day he´d fainted from exhaustion, and his mother bringing him to the emergency room because he hit his head. None of them thought it would turn out that he had indeed gotten cancer, that the tiredness and exhaustion he had felt for a while was due to the disease. During that first visit, they had done several different tests, and taken his blood. About a week later, they were called back to the hospital, and the doctor had explained everything. Remus didn´t really understand what was happening, he kept looking up at his mother and father for some reassurance but got none of it from them. It was obvious, even to a ten-year-old, that something terrible had happened to him based on the look on their faces.

But how is a ten-year-old supposed to grasp what it means to have cancer? How is a 22-year-old supposed to grasp it? Would there ever come a time in a person´s life when cancer was comprehensible? No, Remus thought to himself, it made as little sense now as it had then. Cancer is not something you´ll understand when you´re older; cancer, is in every single way, utterly _incomprehensible_.

Remus tried to make his right leg stop twitching up and down with his hand, but the nerves were much too present. _The nerves were far too crushing_. He raised his hand up to his necklace and closed it around the star, pressing it into his palm making the sharp edges make small dots into his otherwise unblemished skin. Remus´ attention shifted as he heard footsteps moving towards the waiting area where he sat and raised his head to greet who he presumed would be his doctor, but was met with the piercing blue eyes of the most _gorgeous_ man he´d ever seen.

Remus´ eyes, mesmerized, travelled over the beautiful human. He had jet-black hair that was pulled back in a low bun, high cheekbones, a sharp jawline and thick black eyebrows that was arched in such an elegant way. And his eyes, those piercing blue eyes, could truly only be explained with one word: _magic_. Remus looked at the man, who he assumed was a nurse based on his blue attire, and felt his mouth fall slightly open. The man stared back at him, seeming as immersed as Remus, and after a few seconds the corners of the stranger´s enticing mouth were pulled upwards and turned into a smile that, in Remus´ expert opinion, _truly could cure cancer_. Remus couldn´t help but smile back dopily, he must have looked like a child that had just woken up on his birthday and got exactly what he asked for. Not before long, their staring contest was abrupted by the voice of Poppy Pomfrey.

“Ah there you are Remus! You ready dear?” She said looking back and forth between the two men, then her gaze finally landed on Remus. It took everything in Remus´ power to pull his eyes away from the man and look at the doctor instead.

“Oh, good morning! Uhm yeah, absolutely!” Remus answered putting the newspaper back down, hauling himself out of the chair and walking towards her. Towering over her Poppy gave him a huge smile and then wrapped herself around him. Her head, as most people´s, reached only up to his chest and he hugged her back with the same amount of force. Remus had been lucky enough to have Poppy as his doctor ever since he was ten, so you couldn´t say that they had a usual doctor-patient relationship. _Poppy was family_.

Sirius stood by watching the extremely handsome, tall man envelop the doctor as if they were family. He must be her son, Sirius thought to himself. He took a deep breath, gathering every ounce of strength he had, and began to walk away, risking one last glance back at the curly brown-haired man and caught the gaze of those amazingly golden eyes. A memory flooded his brain, but it was gone as fast as it had surfaced.

––

Remus entered the Doctor´s office and sat down on the black armchair in front of her brown, wooden desk. He looked around and started making mental notes of all the things that had changed since the last time he´d been in there. This was something Remus had done since he was little. It always managed to calm him down and distract him from the growing lump in his stomach and the light headedness that came before he was faced with the sure to be awful news.

He had regular visits with Poppy, but it had been a few months since their last meeting, and he let his eyes travel around the room. Looking at the brown, tall bookshelf, to the left of her desk, he saw a new book that hadn´t been there last time. It was blue, and draping the spine beautifully was a painted yellow dandelion. Realizing there wasn´t anything else that was new in the bookshelf his eyes now reached her desk instead. There, on the right side, stood some sunflowers in a green vase. The flowers were new, but not the vase. On the other side of the desk lay three pens and two highlighters, one green and one pink. The pens were old, but usually stood in a mug. The highlighters were new, and he added them to his growing checklist. He looked a bit further to the left and his eyes reached the mug with various different pens in it. It was white with red letters on the front which said “World´s best Mom” with a heart underneath it. Remus had given that to Poppy a couple of years prior, simply because _he meant every word of it_.

Poppy never had children of her own but that didn´t stop her from being a mother. Remus had always felt that the doctor had been his bonus mom, and he felt it as strongly now at 22 as he had upon meeting her when he was ten. He let his gaze travel upwards and his golden eyes were soon staring into Poppy´s warm chocolate brown ones. He saw a smile creep onto her face, and she opened her mouth to speak.

“Oh Remus darling, have you heard anything I´ve said?” She said with a little laugh. He smiled sheepishly back and shook his head.

“Heh, sorry Poppy!” Bringing his right hand to his neck he chuckled. “Must have drifted away.”

“Well, I thought as much.” The doctor responded while taking a deep breath. “So… I called this meeting because we got your tests results back…”

Remus felt his shoulders instantly tense up, and brought his hands into his lap, lowering his gaze once more. He felt himself slowly drift away again. His mind became unattached and disassociated. This usually happened during these meetings and, in an attempt, to keep himself present in the room he started checking off the new items in his head.

_Blue book. Sunflowers. Highlighters._

_Book. Flowers. Pens._

Poppy´s voice continued but Remus´ ears had started ringing and he could only hear her as if she were standing behind a glass wall.

 _Book. Flowers. Pens_.

 _Book. Flowers. Pe_ –. What did she just say?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always you can found me on tiktok under moonyxmoa:)  
> WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY?


	3. Family, friends, good memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus gets some news from Doctor Pomfrey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi loves!! Sorry that it took SOOOO long for this chapter to come out, I´ve had a lot on my plate especially around Christmas and I´m afraid I am a "bit" of a perfectionist so I wanted to get this exactly right. It is a LONG one though so I hope that makes up for it!  
> Before I start this chapter I want to tell you it has some Trigger Warnings:  
> Mentions of minor transphobia, Dead-naming, Mentions of abuse, Mentions of eating disorders.  
> As always be kind to yourself and read with care! My future chapters will probably involve some of those stuff as well but I will give you a heads-up!
> 
> As always a huge thank you to twelvegrimmauldplace for beta-reading and being so supportive!!  
> And thank YOU for reading, it means the world to me!
> 
> Without further ado....let´s see what Pomfrey said shall we?

_Book. Flowers. Pe_ —what did she just say?

_…and I am so happy to tell you that you are officially cancer free Remus._

Everything went dark. Everything went silent. Remus was sure that all the air in the world had suddenly disappeared. He was alone, in the dark, gasping for air. What had she just said? Remus´ eyes welled up and before he knew it tears started down his cheeks, as if his body understood what had just happened before his brain could manage. Gathering every ounce of strength, he had inside of him, he pulled himself back to the room. Back to the light. Back to the sounds. Letting his lungs fill up with the oxygen they craved, into his mouth, down his throat and settling at last in them. Remus snapped his head up looking straight at Poppy again, only this time she was blurry from the tears in his eyes.

“I´m…I´m…” Was all Remus could muster before realising his hands were shaking uncontrollably. While determined to keep his eyes on the woman, he realised he hadn´t been breathing for probably a whole minute, as if he had forgotten how to. He drew a long and shaky breath. _In. Out. In. Out_.

“Cancer free.” Pomfrey simply stated. She was now standing beside him, a gentle hand on his shoulder, Remus didn't know when she'd gotten there. He shook his head, as if that would help him grasp the words he’d just heard. He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t get his hopes up. How many times had he been in this exact office and been told that the cancer had gotten worse once again? That he had to start up chemo again? That this stupid fucking cancer would never ever fucking go away? _No!_ He kept shaking his head. He could not believe it. He could not get his hopes up.

“Are…are you sure? Are you sure that the tests say that? Can they be wrong?” Remus said, noticing his trembling voice, trying to be certain that if he dared for even a second to let himself hope, that he would not regret it.

“I am absolutely positive, Remus dear.” Poppy answered in that gentle and soothing voice she'd used so many times before, stroking his arm up and down to remind him that this was real, that he was _here_ , that this was indeed happening. Remus blinked a few times, his brain working through all the information that he'd just gotten.

He managed to take another shaky breath, and it wasn't as hard as before. He took another breath, feeling his lungs scream with joy over the oxygen now residing there. _The colours came back_. _The noises rang in his ears_ , the clock on the wall, the birds outside, Pomfrey’s slow breathing. Slowly but surely a smile crept onto his lips, and he couldn’t contain it anymore. He started laughing, Remus probably looked like a mad-man laughing and crying as much as he did at that moment, but he didn't care. That fucking asshole, _Cancer,_ was finally gone. After twelve years of waiting. _He was free_.

He stood up, legs still shaking, and found himself looking down, from his 6’3, onto the woman, he called his second mother, and embraced her harder than he ever had before. Poppy was also crying, hugging him back just as fiercely. And he sobbed like a baby, the fabric on her shoulder probably dripping wet by the end of it.

“Thank you.” He said in a low voice, squeezing her again.

“Thank you.” She said back.

—

Remus closed the door to the doctors´ office and caught himself almost skipping through the corridor down the hall. He was cancer free. He, Remus John Lupin, who have lived with cancer for the last twelve fucking years was finally free. He felt himself grinning and laughed a little to himself. He had waited for this moment, for so long.

When he got outside of the hospital, he leaned against the white cement wall, letting the morning summer air settle in his lungs. Remus let his hands run through his hair, and then over his face, palms covering his huge smile, and shook his head. He couldn’t bloody believe it. Reaching for his phone in his pocket he went to messages and typed out two words.

 **‘Puddifoot’s. Now!’** and clicked sent. Immediately he got a text back. ‘ **On my way!** ’. He laughed letting his thumb stroke over the message and felt a surge of love for his friend. _Of course_ Lily had been patiently staring at her phone for the last hour, waiting for him to call. Remus made a mental note to do something for Lily, to show her how much she meant to him. Smiling to himself, he imagined her face when he told her the news and put his phone down while tilting his head up to look at the beautiful blue sky. The weather had also come through, displaying every bit of joy he felt, with the sun’s rays warming his face, not a cloud in the sky, it was a perfect July day. And it was indeed perfect, he found himself thinking. In this moment, everything was perfect, or at least as close to perfect you could get. He couldn't wait to tell his mom and dad. _Fuck they would be so happy._ Sighing contently, tears still silently travelling down his slightly rosy cheeks, he started walking towards the underground.

About twenty minutes later, Remus was sitting in the small but cosy café ordering in two cups of tea and chocolate biscuits from the barista named Frank. Remus and Lily had been going to Madam Puddifoot’s since they were kids. It was _their special place_. Whenever Lily had been fighting with her sister they'd meet there. Whenever Remus couldn't handle the cancer and everything that came with it they´d meet there. Whenever they just wanted to talk, read, listen to music, anything really, they´d meet there. It was _their special place_.

Covering the walls were tall mahogany bookcases filled with all sorts of literature, from kids’ books, to sci-fi, to romance novels. There were armchairs and sofas in various colours and fabrics around the café. This particular one, Remus´ and Lily´s spot, consisted of a round chocolate-coloured table and a pair of maroon-coloured, velvet two-seater sofas. It was placed in the corner, which made it more secluded from everything else and a bit quieter. It smelled of tea, home-made biscuits, cinnamon, and there was always soft indie music playing in the background. Madam Puddifoot's was just another home for him. Remus knew how lucky he were to be able to call so many places _home_. There were Lily’s childhood house and now her flat. St. Mungo’s and Poppy’s house. His childhood home, which was now their cottage, in Wales before they'd had to move to be closer to the best oncologist in Britain. His mom and dad´s new house in London. And of course, his apartment here in Gryffindor. Actually, when Remus thought about it, home wasn't at all a building with four walls, but what those four walls held. _Family, friends, good memories_.

Remus´ thoughts were everywhere and nowhere all at once, and he could feel himself slowly drifting away, when he heard the bell above the door make a gentle ring. He snapped his head up and in the doorway with big wide emerald green eyes, shining with worry and tears, stood Lily Evans.

—

Remus remembers the first time he ever saw Lily. Who couldn’t? To be honest, even at eleven years old, she was already a force to be reckoned with. Remus had sat at the back of the class, having just moved to Gryffindor, he had felt the safest bet as ‘the strange new kid’ was to try to blend in and try to not draw attention to himself. He was scribbling onto his notebook when he heard her footsteps for the very first time, even the way her feet collided with the ground was powerful, and the chair beside him began being pulled out. Remus´ eyes, golden, travelled from his pen and paper over to the girl and he blinked at her in surprise. In return she looked at him with friendly green eyes and smiled back.

“Is this seat taken”? She asked, even though she was already sitting on it. Remus just shook his head, already slightly intimidated by her. She smiled an even bigger smile and extended her small dainty hand.

“I’m Lily!” She said and he shook her hand, “I’m Remus.” Her friendly and curious eyes searched his face, which as always probably looked pale and tired.

“How are you Remus?” She asked gently, her previous grin turned into a gentle smile. He was startled at the question, no one had ever asked him that besides his parents and doctors. And they were obligated to ask, weren't they?

“I’m fine.” He said looking away not wanting to lie to her face, feeling slightly exposed. He felt the small weight of a hand on top of his own, and his eyes travelled to them and then towards the girl once more, golden and emerald meeting again.

“You know what? I don’t believe you.” Lily said calmly, hand still on his. Remus felt himself get more and more agitated. What was she playing at? Sticking _her_ nose in _his_ business?

“Okay.” He shrugged angrily, pulling his hand away from underneath hers and sat further down in his seat, crossing his arms.

“I’m actually a great listener,” She said, ignoring his sudden change of moods. “And if you don’t want to talk, I’m a great talker too.” She added, nudging him slightly with her elbow into his side, with a smirk returning to her lips. That made Remus laugh a bit and he turned once again to face her.

“I can see that.” He smiled back, but their attention was shortly interrupted by the voice of their teacher, a small man with a black bowl cut and small round glasses.

“Welcome back everyone. I hope you all had a great summer. I´m Professor Flitwick and I can see that we have some new faces in here today, together with some old ones of course!” He clapped his hands together and picked up some papers. “We’ll start with taking attendance.” Clearing his throat, the professor called out, “Hannah Abbott?” A girl with blonde hair raised her hand and said “Here!” loudly.

“Good! Uhm Andreas…oh I´m sorry that’s hard to say….uhm Andreas…”

“Andreas Almqvist, Professor!” A boy with light blonde hair and blue eyes called out.

“Yes thank you Andreas, and welcome to the class!” Flitwick said and continued with the rest of the names on the list. It all went smoothly, Flitwick calling the name and the student answering ‘here’ raising their hand in response, until he got to the E:s.

Another name was called out and Remus looked around searching for someone to answer. A few more seconds passed, and Remus huffed, probably sick he thought to himself. What Remus had not noticed yet, was that many of the children in the classroom, as well as their professor, were watching his new friend Lily with intense eyes.

“I believe I called your name, and what do we do when our names are called Mr Evans?” The teacher said directly to Lily. Remus looked up at the teacher and followed his gaze until he found himself looking at the red head again.

Lily's eyes were not friendly anymore, they looked shiny, as if they were slowly filling with tears. She looked scared. Remus felt as though the whole universe stopped right there and then, no one made a sound, no one even moved. Remus was watching her closely, still very much confused. Why was the teacher talking to Lily? Her name hadn't been called. After what Remus felt like an eternity, but could have only been a few seconds, he saw Lily's eyes change, they were still glassy but instead filled with determination and intensity. Lily stood up with such force and said with a raised but slightly trembling voice,

“That is not my name. My name is Lily, and I will not be raising my hand until my name has been called!” Her eyes now, twin emerald flames, only filled with passion. “Professor.” She added more gently.

Remus looked at her, mouth slightly agape, struck with such admiration. In that moment he was certain that Lily Evans was the bravest and fiercest person he would ever meet. And to this day he had not once been proven wrong. Remus´ attention was broken however by the sound of a few boys at the front of the class who were giggling loudly. He looked away from Lily and onto the boys, anger starting to build up inside of him and he could not contain himself. Remus stood up too and opened his mouth to speak.

“Her name is Lily! Does anyone have a problem with that?” He said in a low but threatening voice, his gaze still on the boys. Even at eleven, Remus was towering over the rest of the class, and probably for this specific reason the boys immediately shut their mouths and looked down.

Lily’s eyes snapped away from Flitwick then and landed on Remus. He could practically feel them burning holes in his cheek and turned around, once again his golden eyes met her emerald ones, which were now allowing a few tears to stream down her freckled cheeks. Reaching forth, he squeezed her hand, and together they turned towards the teacher. Flitwick’s mouth was slightly open, but he closed it and nodded a few times before speaking, seeming to think over his next few words carefully.

“Mm yes, uhm of course of course…uhm Lily was it?” His voice a bit unsure, but friendly nonetheless. Lily didn’t hesitate for one second, her hand shot straight up into the air saying, “Here!”.

“Yes uhm, good. Uhm okay…” Flitwick cleared his throat, continuing to call out the rest of the names on the list. Lily turned to Remus, she looked so happy he thought she might burst.

“I like you Remus Lupin.” She said so earnestly that Remus thought he might choke from the sudden lump in his throat, his eyes starting to fill with tears too.

He cleared his throat, still holding her hand and said, “I like you too Lily Evans.” Her eyes twinkled and she smiled, Remus felt at home. Her smile turned into a grin as she opened her mouth to speak while lightly squeezing his left arm.

“Good, cause you’ll never get rid of me Remus.” He could not help but smile at those words, but what he didn’t realise back then was that Lily had made him a promise. A promise that she, since that early autumn day twelve years ago, had not once broken. Not through the copious painful nights she´d spent with him in the hospital. Not when his immune system had been too weak to go to prom, she had instead made their own prom at home, dressed up in a beautiful green dress, and they´ danced through the night. Not even when he was so pissed on cheap vodka that he had actually shouted at her which he had instantly regretted, because _she knew how much he was hurting_ , how much _he was falling apart_ , and simply gave him a hug. Remus knew he would never deserve Lily Evans, he honestly didn't think anyone could, but he'd be damned if he didn't try his every waking moment.

—

Remus met Lily's eyes and saw that although she had not spoken yet, she was asking him a question. A question she had asked so many times before. _What did the tests say?_ Remus felt it coming before it had started. He started crying like he never had before. More than through those endless waking nights of pain when she had lied next to him, head on his chest. More than that time two years ago when Remus had dared to hope, and instead gotten the news that the cancer hadn't gone away. Even more than when…then when…no he couldn't think about that. _He wouldn't think about that_. But this time it was different. These were tears of joy. She ran towards him and enveloped him in a hug, he crouched down, head muffled into her neck and tried to compose himself.

“Sweetie, sweetheart…” She said reassuringly, stroking the back of his head. “Oh god what did Poppy say?” Lily was also on first name basis with the doctor having spent so much time in the hospital with Remus.

Remus took a deep breath and said quietly, barely a whisper, “My...my cancer is gone.” Within a millisecond she stretched her arms out from their hug and looked at him, head tilted upwards. Remus had never seen such a smile on her before and believe him, _Lily. Evans. Could. Smile._ She let out a squeak and screamed pulling him into a hug making him almost fall.

“THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MAKING ME SO FUCKING WORRIED FOR!?” She started laughing and hugged him even more fiercely. “Oh, Remus!” She said _at least_ five times and shook her head into his chest. Remus didn't know how long they stood there for but when they at last let each other go Lily didn't seem to be able to do it entirely, she stretched out her arms but kept her fingers closed around his forearms, her eyes were red, and her cheeks wet with tears.

“Let’s have tea, yeah?” She said with a huge grin and a small quiet chuckle.

“Yeah, that sounds perfect.” Remus said with a hoarse voice. They sat down on the same sofa, Lily´s head resting on his right shoulder, instead of their usual seats opposite each other, and they both went quiet for a while.

Frank came over with their tea, in two large mugs, together with the chocolate biscuits, and looked at Remus, his eyes filled with only one question. Remus nodded, a smile playing on his lips, and Frank pulled him up roughly.

“Come here you big, lanky, wonderful man!” Frank said and they hugged. When Frank finally pulled away, he looked at Remus with one hand on his shoulder, shaking his head. “I’m so incredibly happy for you Lupin!”

Remus nodded and huffed a small laugh. “So am I, believe me.”

Frank brought his other hand to Remus´ cheek and squeezed it. “So bloody happy!” Frank said once more, tears now in his eyes as he let go of Remus´ shoulder and cheek getting back behind the counter, once again slicing the pie he had been working on. Remus could hear him sniffle a couple of times and even blow his nose, it made him feel warm all over. Frank was truly an amazing friend.

Remus felt content. He felt better than he had ever done before, just sitting there with his favourite person in the whole world, in his favourite place, sipping his favourite tea, eating his favourite chocolate biscuits. He had to call his mom and dad as well, he thought. And Andy, he had to call Andy. His parents would probably come all the way from their cottage in Wales just to celebrate, and Andy would never let him relax again. Remus laughed a little and thought that, for the first time in his life, he might want to as well, celebrate that was.

Lily, exactly as his mother, had the mysterious ability to be able to know exactly what he was thinking of all the time.

“Oh! Rem! We need to celebrate!” She shook his arm looking up at him. Remus shook his head and laughed lightly taking another big sip of his tea and then kissing her on the top of her head.

“Yeah, Lils I think I might actually agree with you on that!” Lily's eyes widened, and her smile grew even bigger, if it was even possible.

“I know just the place.” She said.

—

Sirius closed the door to his and James´ flat with a loud bang and hurriedly took his shoes and leather jacket off. Running towards James’ room he opened the door as if there wasn’t anything that could possibly be happening in there that he hadn’t already seen, which in some more intimate cases he wished he could forget. James was lying in his bed, grey sweatshirt and pants on with the logo of his football team, head propped up on his pillow with his right arm behind it. He looked up at the noise that came out of Sirius in sharp breaths, one of the downsides of chain-smoking, and smiled.

“You know, one usually knocks on the door before they enter the room?” James said. Sirius shrugged and jumped onto the king size bed with such force that James’ computer bounced out of his lap and onto its side.

“Oi Black! Watch it!” He shook his head at his brother. Sirius, lying on his stomach, was looking intently at James, probably smiling like some sort of lunatic, chin resting on his hands. James seemed to know exactly what that look meant.

“What do you want?”

Sirius attempted to raise his right black eyebrow. “Well, as you well know Potty,” He paused, smirking devilishly. “Marls and I have just finished our first shifts as real, fricking nurses.” James nodded, his hazel eyes still staring into the piercing blue ones of his friend. “And we thought it would be a pity not to, you know, celebrate that…”

James groaned, raising his hands to pull his glasses off, and pressed his palms into his eyes instead.

“Of course, you two would want to celebrate any chance you get. But Pads, it’s my only night off this week and you´re asking me to spend it at my job?”

Sirius crawled up from his position on the bed and sat beside him, head now resting on James´ shoulder. “Well…you’ll technically be at one of your workplaces.” He tilted his head up to look at James´ face.

“But you know…at least you won’t be working! And! You´ve worked so hard this week with the team, it might be fun to have a night out?” He said trying to ease his brother into it, flashing him his most innocent and pleading look, which he knew James could not say no to. James squeezed his eyes when looking at Sirius, vision probably slightly blurry from not wearing his glasses.

“You know I can’t say no to you when you use those puppy eyes.” He muttered and nudged Sirius on his arm grumpily, but Sirius could see that he was indeed trying to hide a smile.

Sirius leant up and kissed him on the cheek, jumping off the bed he started humming the chorus to ‘Lay all your love on me’ on his way out.

“SIRIUS! NO! NOT TONIGHT! YOU WILL NOT MAKE ME!” James shouted, seemingly to no one as Sirius was now pulling the fridge open in the kitchen, even though James was perfectly aware that they both knew every single word of it was false. He could never deny Sirius Black anything that might make him happy, even if it meant making a prat out of himself.

— 

Remus looked at his mom´s phone number on his phone screen, he was nervous of course, he knew his parents had been waiting for him to call and that made him even more anxious. He pressed the screen and raised the phone to his ear. It rang only once.

“Remus, darling?” His mother's gentle but worried voice rang. Remus immediately started to smile. He truly loved his mother more than anything in this world.

“Hi mom, uhm is dad there too?”

“Yes, cariad, he's right here beside me.”

“Hi Rem!” His fathers´ voice carried through his speaker loud and gruffy.

Remus took a breath, “Alright I´m gonna call you on facetime, okay?” He continued pressing the small icon of a video camera at the bottom of his screen. The faces of his mother and father appeared in front of him within a few seconds, both of their brows were furrowed, eyes searching for answers already. Better to just get it out, Remus thought. He should be more excited to tell them, shouldn't he? But somehow he was only feeling anxious, he shook himself trying to relax.

“So uhm, mom and dad. Well, I talked to Pomfrey this morning and she uhm…said I am cancer free…” He said nearly whispering and looked back up from his feet onto his phone screen seeing the relief wash over both of his parents' faces. It was as if they had aged backwards, the lines in their foreheads not as prominent, their hair less muted, the colours returning to their eyes. His mother gasped, tears streaming down her cheeks rapidly.

”O fy chariad. Ni allaf hyd yn oed egluro pa mor hapus ydw i.” His mom said smiling more than he´d ever seen before.

“I´m so incredibly happy too, son.” His father added, eyes filling with tears. Remus thought he would never be able cry again after earlier that day with Lily, he had felt completely and utterly tapped out as if there wasn't a single drop of fluid left in his body, but alas he was wrong.

“Rwy'n caru'r ddau ohonoch gymaint…” Remus said, cheeks wet and eyes puffy.

“We love you too sweetheart, so so much!” They said together.

“We´ll come and celebrate, right darling?” His mother said looking at his father. “Yes, yes of course honey! We´ll talk and work something out, eh?” Lyall answered nodding, a huge smile still playing on his lips. They cried some more, talked about when they would come to celebrate and told each other they loved one another more than anything and then after an hour or so hung up.

Remus felt like he finally could breathe. As if he had been holding his breath under water, slowly drowning, for twelve years, and now finally breaching the surface taking his first breath of fresh air. He felt as if an enormous weight had lifted off his shoulders, stretching his arms above his head to see what his arms could do now when they weren’t feeling so heavy. Remus closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He knew he needed to tell one more person today at least. He had other people he cared about of course but his circle of close friends had always been small, and the last person he had to tell was Andy.

Going to the cupboard to fetch a glass, he filled it with water and drained it in one, feeling how thirsty he really had been after losing so much liquid from crying that day. One thing he knew for sure though was that crying would not be a problem with Andy. He took his phone from his pocket again and called him on facetime right away, it rang three times and then his phone screen filled up with the face of a light blonde and blue eyed man with a smirk glued on his full pink lips.

“Hey mate, what’s up?” Andy said holding his phone in front of him, seeming to be walking down a busy street.

“Hi!” Remus said putting his phone down in front of him, on the glass cupboard shelf, taking a step back.

“Why are you looking so mischievous then?” Andy responded with another smirk. Fuck, just get it out, Remus thought to himself.

“Well long story short, I don´t have cancer anymore…” Remus said and Andy´s face changed completely.

“ÄR DU SERIÖS? Oh fuck. Jävlar. FAN VA VI SKA FIRA! SHIT! HERREGUD REMUS!” Andy shouted and laughed all at once. Remus knew this would happen, Andy usually slipped into Swedish when he was either excited, drunk, or tired. He had learnt a fair bit of Swedish from him, mostly swear words if he were being honest, and out of that beautiful sentence he could make out; “serious”, “fuck”, “celebrate” and “oh my god”.

“Fuck mate! Stop speaking Swedish, I can´t bloody understand you!” Remus responded laughing.

Andy immediately stopped rambling and instead gave Remus a serious stare, and Andy was never serious.

“Remus John Lupin.” He said in a grave voice.

“Andreas Erik Almqvist.” Remus said back, mocking his slight accent. Andy ignored him and tutted.

“Does this mean what I think it does?”

Remus knew what he was thinking of. The one thing Andy had been pestering him about since they turned 18. “Yes, I´m afraid so.”

“Nejmen, fuck Remus! Shit, fan va vi ska fira! This will be fun!” Andy said with a wicked grin.

A bit later that evening, Remus was standing in his steamy bathroom, hand raised in front of him to wipe the mirror of its condensation. Looking into it, he raised his right hand up to his hair, curly and still a bit wet from the shower, and let a smile spread onto his lips. His eyes travelled to his cheeks, which were slightly red from the hot shower, and down towards his body. Remus had always been tall and thin, he was by no means _skinny,_ but he had never been able to become broad like some guys did because of his affliction. Now for the first time in his life he could see his body accepting the nutrition the food and sun provided, his skin was not pale and bruised anymore but a tanned warm colour with more muscles appearing on his stomach, thighs and arms than before. Pulling a dark blue towel around his waist he opened the door to his bedroom, his body getting a shock when the cool breeze from the air conditioner surrounded him. There, on his queen size bed on her front, laid Lily Evans with her phone between her fingers. She looked up as he entered the room and smiled.

“You nervous Rem?” She asked as he went over to his dark brown dresser and started rummaging through it for something to wear.

“Is it that obvious?” He laughed as he pulled a pair of boxers on underneath his towel and let it fall to the floor, continuing to look for clothes to wear.

“Yeah, kinda, but there's really no need for it though!”

“I know, I know.” Remus turned around, putting his hands up behind him, leaning on the dresser. “I’m just not that used to ‘going out’.” He continued, making bunny ears at the last two words. Lily laughed, “Well it’s good no? Now you won’t have to worry about the tiredness or you catching anything dangerous right?”

Remus nodded, he guessed so, at least not as much as before. Poppy had explained his immune system would always be a bit wonky and he thought he'd probably never really get over the exhaustion the last twelve years had brought forth. Apart from that he was already used to being so incredibly careful about not getting sick from someone when he was out that he didn’t really know how to not do that. Pulling himself back to the present, to his bedroom, to Lily, he turned and opened the middle drawer pushing his clothes around, but after only a few seconds he let out a groan and turned around.

“I have absolutely _nothing_ to wear.” Remus complained and went to lie down next to Lily on the bed. Lily tossed her phone away somewhere on the sheets and laid on her side, head propped up on her palm. She leaned her free hand forward playing with one of his curls, “Okay Rem you just go sort out your hair and I’ll put together an outfit for you!” Winking she leapt off the bed with a smirk and Remus turned to her, hand shooting to his hair.

“What’s wrong with my hair Lils?”

—

Sirius was looking into the mirror on his desk concentrating hard as he drew the last of the eyeliner. He pulled away smiling, admiring his work. Sirius had always loved the small things makeup could enhance. His already amazing cheekbones, in his opinion at least, looked like they could cut like a knife, and the black around his eyes made the blue irises even more piercing, as if they were the ocean itself. His gaze travelled to his ears, on his left a small star was dangling from the lobe with two more studs above it, and on his right, two studs punctuated the lobe, as well as a ring on his helix. His black hair was down, finally out of the bun it had been in all day at work, flowing gently onto his shoulders. He had cut it earlier that year and it had finally grown out to the length he was most comfortable in. _He just wasn’t himself without his hair_.

After he’d finished admiring himself in the mirror, he put some lip balm on, brought his lips together and went to his drawers pulling out a pair of black straight legged jeans and a black top. It was the height of summer, 30th of July to be exact, and he didn’t want to wear something he’d just sweat through right away. Rather be a bit too cold, but too drunk to notice, than sweating all night, he thought and went to the mirror now fully dressed. I look good, he thought as he ran his hands through his waves. Sirius knew he was very handsome, not only because…well he had eyes, hadn’t he? But also, because he´d been told that many times from different people, friends as well as strangers. He wasn't vain by any means but he couldn't lie and say he didn't appreciate the fact that people saw him as hot or pretty or sexy. Opening the door to his room, the familiar voice of David Bowie carried from the vinyl on the record player into his ears.

_We could be Heroes, just for one day._

Sirius' hips instantly started swaying back and forth as he walked towards their living room, flinging himself onto the couch to watch the football game that was on. Sirius liked football, he had played when he was younger, and once in a while he joined James´ team when they were practicing or having a family game. Sirius turned his head as James’ tone-deaf voice, mixing with Bowie’s, carried out of the open bathroom door.

_And we kissed, as though nothing could fall._

James emerged from the bathroom looking as handsome as ever, hair was a mess obviously but that had always been a part of his charms, Sirius thought. He was still wearing his grey sweatpants and sweatshirt with his football team's logo on it.

“If you´re planning on scoring a bird with that outfit, then you are in rough luck mate.” Sirius said with a smirk while trying to raise one eyebrow but failing miserably.

“First of all I could literally wear anything and score a girl. Second of all I´m going to change you prick!” James countered, flipping him his middle finger and continuing into his room.

“I know you love me.” Sirius hopped over the back of their sofa and walked towards the kitchen to pull out two beers from the fridge and a container of food. He danced towards the cupboard pulling two plates down and poured the leftovers onto them. As the song finished, he walked towards the record player pulling out another vinyl from its cover and the feisty melody of Jeepster filled the room. Sirius heard James starting to sing once again and smiled to himself, he loved this sacred music bond of theirs. It was as if an album, a song, a certain lyric, could tell the other exactly how they were feeling, more than any words of their own ever could. He bopped his head to the music and put the plates one by one into the microwave.

James emerged from his room in a short sleeved dark blue button down that blended beautifully with his brown tanned skin and a pair of dark blue jeans to match. He, too, was dancing, and took his beer from the counter pressing it to his lips. Sirius grabbed his beer and was bringing it to his lips when he saw James eyeing the microwave warily, instinctively he went to stand next to his brother and brought one hand to his shoulder, seeing how tense he'd gotten.

“It's important to eat mate, especially before drinking.” Sirius said trying to bring James back from the suffocating anxious energy that was radiating off him like a fire. James slowly turned his head and looked into Sirius´ eyes, nodding he took another swig of his beer.

“I know Pads.” His hand went up to his hair. “You really don't have to…” He started but wasn't able to finish and just shook his head while lowering it, gazing at his feet instead. Sirius knew what he was going to say though. They´d had this conversation many, many, times before.

“Yes, I do Prongs!” Sirius said and hugged him kissing his cheek. Intimacy, physical or emotional, had never been a problem for the two of them. They'd been friends now for over a decade, and ever since the first day he saw James, he knew he´d met his other half. They had been there for each other when things were rough at home for Sirius and when James´ crazy football diets were getting out of hand. They had been there for each other when Sirius, for the first time, let James see his bruises and scars, and when James told him that he hadn't eaten for a whole day. James´ family had taken him in when he ran away from the hellhole that was Grimmauld place, at sixteen years old. Sirius could never thank James enough for all he´d done. Because without James, Sirius would still be living his nightmare, even though sometimes in the night or when a long since repressed memory was triggered he felt like he still was, or if he was being completely honest to himself, not living at all. They were brothers, and Sirius would be damned if he ever let James down that spiral again. Never again, he thought as he squeezed his brother one more time when the microwave pinged to tell them the food was ready.

“You alright, mate?” Sirius asked, extending his arms, fingers gently pressing into James´ arms. “We don't have to go out if you're not feeling it! We can stay in and watch Mamma Mia?” Sirius suggested and saw a smile creep onto James´ lips.

Mamma Mia was the pair's absolute favourite comfort movie, Sirius even remembered the specific day it had become that. It had been an awful day for the both of them, Sirius had gotten into a fight with his parents, which ended in him getting a bruised rib and a sprained ankle. Meanwhile James, feeling the pressure of football, had not eaten anything that whole day. Sirius had sneaked out, after being locked into his room, and ran to James as fast as he could. He was met at the door by James, eyes red behind the rimmed glasses, and embraced him into a hug, sharing and basking in the love that only they shared. After composing themselves they made their way upstairs and built the most amazing fort, if you´d ask them at least, in James´ room. With the help of James´ mom, now Sirius´ mom, too, he thought and was overtaken with the love he had for the women, they put together a tray of food. It was mostly small things to snack on, easy to get down, and when they once again were inside their fortress of solitude, where it felt as though nothing could hurt them, they put the TV on. The first thing that came on was Mamma Mia. First the two boys were very sceptic, but after only a few minutes they both felt immensely better. The happy colours, songs and warmth that radiated through the TV screen brought them out of their sad and anxious states, putting a smile on both of their faces for the first time that day. Now whenever one of them felt sad, anxious, lost, the other either propped the movie on without notice or asked the other one about it.

James´ smile turned into a chuckle and he shook his head. “Nah I wanna celebrate you and Marls! I´m okay!” Sirius gave him a look, that they both knew, after years of friendship, meant _Are you sure?_ and James nodded in response.

“Okay if you say so, let’s eat some good curry and drink some beers eh?” Sirius walked towards the microwave to take out the heated up food.

—

”Okay, so where are we going now again?” Remus asked, looking into the mirror in the hallway. Lily had picked out his clothes and he was now wearing a white t-shirt, with a beige and white flannel on top and a pair of straight-legged light washed jeans that were his dad's old ones, which were a bit too big at the hips making him wear a light brown belt. He came to stand next to Lily in the kitchen where she was pouring vodka into three shot glasses.

“The Three Broomsticks! It’s this pub that has karaoke, down in Gryffindor centre.” She answered, tongue sticking out between her lips as if it helped her not to spill any of the important liquid.

“I've never been.” Remus said, but honestly where had he ever been? Lily seemed to be thinking along the same lines because she was looking up at him and huffed a small laugh. Lily was wearing a pair of black and red plaid shorts along with a black top which had a square neckline, her vivid red hair hung in long wavy strands on her back. She was absolutely gorgeous, Remus thought as the door swung open hard, before he knew it Remus was being tackled onto the floor and on top of him sat Andy.

“CANCER FUCKING FREE MATE!” He shouted, with such enthusiasm it was impossible not to rub off on you, shaking Remus´ shoulders. They both started laughing but not before long Remus felt another weight crash onto them.

“Don't you dare leave me out of this moment!” Lily said loudly hugging them both fiercely. Remus smiled so much he thought it might carve into his face, and he'd go around looking like some kind of joker.

“Oi tossers get off!” He said which only made the other two push into him more.

“I LOVE YOU MOONY!” Andy´s voice rang. Lily coughed. “And you of course Evans!” He countered smirking and she put her tongue out.

“I love you too, you absolute pricks!” Lily replied. Remus just smiled.

“Oi! Come one Rem, say you love us!” Andy poked him excessively on the arm.

“Yeah! Come on Moony, what is this? Us baring our souls to you and we get nothing back?”

Remus shook his head. “Gosh you two are so dramatic. Okay! Okay! I love you too!” He said trying to sound put out, which he definitely wasn´t. He loved them both, more than words could explain.

“That's all we needed to hear!” Andy said and sprung to his feet.

“Yeah! Why didn't you just say so?” Lily added and stood up smirking. Remus shook his head once again and stretched out his hand as they pulled him up off the floor.

“So…shots?” Remus licked his lips and quirked an eyebrow. Lily and Andy looked at each other and then back at Remus, “Shots!” They answered.

—

Sirius opened the door to The Three Broomsticks, breathing in the usual atmosphere, feeling right at home. They had been going to the pub since they were of age, and snuck in a few times before that. Sirius loved the warm atmosphere, the clinking of glasses, the raised but always kind voices, the soft throwback music playing through the speakers, and the occasional usage of the karaoke machine. More often than not when he and the others were there. Smiling, feeling utterly content to be there, he and James started towards their normal booth in one of the corners nearest the karaoke machine. Already seated on a big red leather couch was Dorcas and Marlene, both of them waving to the pair. When they arrived at the booth they stood up to great the boys, hugs and kisses were exchanged and James clapped his hands, “Alright drinks?”.

“We’ll share another bottle of wine right, love?” Dorcas replied looking at Marlene.

“Yeah, red thanks.” Marlene answered, waving her glass with the red liquid to James who then looked at Sirius. Sirius gave him a knowing smirk and without a word James nodded and went to the bar. Sirius and James had their own kind of telepathy, they had always been able to speak without words, using looks or touches or body language instead. Sirius prided himself on this, having James as his best friend was one of his greatest achievements. It scared Sirius to think about what his life would have been like without James, or if they would even be friends if they met at 22 instead of 11. Sirius blinked hard and curled his hands into fists, _no he was definitely not going down that hole tonight_. Tonight was for celebrating.

He tried shaking the anxious energy off of him, swallowing away the sudden sour taste on his tongue, and sat down opposite the two women and propped his head onto his hands.

“Hey there, love birds.” He sighed, fluttering his dark eyelashes.

“Hi there, handsome.” The two of them said back, snuggled together. Sirius crossed his arms and slumped down on his coach, “Fuck, I hate being single.” The women started laughing.

“You love it too though!” Dorcas said with a grin while simultaneously looking over his shoulder to see if James needed any help with the drinks. Sirius sighed, he guessed she was right.

“Me and the single life have a... difficult relationship.”

“Mhm, and by that you mean that you crave human touch and tenderness more than any other human being in the universe, but is scared as fuck of commitment, and is flirty as all hell and want the attention of every single person in a room?” Marlene said, without even taking a breath, downing the rest of her wine glass and winking towards Sirius.

“Marls!” Dorcas looked at her with wide dark brown eyes and then turned to Sirius with a gentle smile shrugging, “Well she isn’t wrong babe.”

“Well fuck both of you then. I am not nearly pissed enough to talk about this.” Sirius said playfully, while fumbling in his pocket until he felt the fags there and stood up.

“Well, Pads, we already do you know…” Dorcas lifted her glass to her lips with a wry smile.

“Was that really necessary, Meadowes? Gosh.” He shook his head, trying not to break his ‘I'm mad at you’ charade. “Have a nice time without me you saucy minxes, I’m going out for fresh air!”

“Oh, always such a drama queen!” Marlene tutted, waving her hand with a smile playing on her lips. Sirius narrowed his eyes playfully.

“Well perhaps I’ll find a new friend out there who doesn’t rip me apart in the pub as you do!”

“You love me really.” Marlene said leaning forward, pulling him down by his neck and kissing him on the cheek.

“Unfortunately, that is indeed very true.” He countered with a grin, and winked then turning to Dorcas and said, “Meadowes, control your woman!”

Dorcas laughed out loud at that, in an attempt to mark her next words. “You know as well as I do that Marls does not like being controlled so… sorry babe nothing I can do for you. Hope you find your new friend though!” She winked. Sirius saluted the pair and started towards the door pushing it open and stepping out into the warm July air.

Sirius wasn't even that drunk yet, him and James had only drunk a couple of beers at the flat, but nonetheless he could feel his affection towards smoking, as always during a night out, increase rapidly. He put a cigarette between his lips and lit it looking out at the busy street full of people going this way and that, living their own lives out and about on a Friday night just like him. The pub door swung open beside him but Sirius, already making up scenarios of what that small toad looking woman´s life across the street was like, did not turn around but instead took another drag of his cigarette letting the smoke reach the back of his throat, travel down the pipe to at last settle in his lungs, and then slowly exhale it.

“You know that that kills you right?” A low voice said from a few metres away from him. Sirius turned at the sound, and saw all 6´3 of golden eyes, brown curls and long limbs. Sirius, feeling slightly more buzzed after the cigarette, let himself take in the view of the beautiful man. He thought he recognized him, but didn't really know where from. God, he was beautiful, Sirius thought again. Right then he decided what he was going to do. Without losing eye contact, Sirius brought the cigarette to his lips seductively and took another long drag, letting the smoke travel through his nostrils this time filling the air between them.

“Well… you know what they say; _die young and leave a pretty corpse_.” Sirius said, giving the man one of his infamous flirty smirks, but, to his surprise, was not met with the usual response of utter and complete melting of the other person involved. The pair of golden eyes seemed to shine even brighter now, if that was even possible, but to his dismay they were angry. The man shook his head incredulously and with two long strides pulled open the door to the pub and went inside.

“Hey what-” Sirius got out but the door flung shut. What the fuck did just happen? What had he said? He brought his hands to his face and rubbed his eyes, _fuck Sirius you can´t help ruining stuff can you?_ Shut up, shut up, shut up, he thought and reached into his pocket pulling out the packet of cigarettes, took another one out, lit it and leant against the wall once again.

—

 _Fuck, why does every single fucking human on this earth have to be so fucking stupid?_ Remus thought to himself. _Die young and leave a pretty corpse._ The words seemed to be etched into his brain repeating themselves over and over. Fuck that and fuck that guy. Fuck that gorgeous guy. Fuck that gorgeous guy.... _NO!_ No, not like that. Okay get a grip Remus. Fuck, I need a drink.

He walked with long strides towards his table with Lily and Andy, but only the redhead was there sipping her beer. Remus sat down next to her with a bit too much force and sighed. Lily as always could see something was wrong, not that it would be hard for anyone to notice, Remus´ ears were practically oozing steam.

“What’s wrong, love?” She said, eyeing him carefully, putting her hand on his. Remus shook his head. No, another shitty person in this shitty world was not going to ruin the one day he actually wanted to celebrate.

“Nothing Lils, where’s Andy?” Remus looked around and plastered on one of his well-rehearsed smiles.

“Off to the loo with one of the girls from that table over there.” She said tilting her chin up with a wry smile.

“He never misses does he?” Remus chuckled. He wasn't surprised at that, Andy was in every single way incredibly handsome, a mother-in-law’s daydream if you ever saw one.

“LILY EVANS IS THAT YOU?” Remus heard someone shout from somewhere in the pub and they both looked around searching. Lily seemed to have seen where the noise came from before he did because soon enough, she squealed and jumped off her chair.

“MARLENE FRICKIN MCKINNON! COME HERE YOU!” She screamed and was met with a hug from a rather slim, blonde haired woman who was a lot taller than Lily, not that it was very hard to be taller than the red head, nonetheless no one should be fooled by the 5’4 woman because what she lacked in height she gained in fierceness.

“Gosh it’s been ages, love! How are you?” Marlene rubbed Lily´s arms up and down. Now that the woman was closer Remus thought that he actually recognized her a bit.

“Oh it must have been at least six months since that time at the bar in London!” She turned to Remus and Marlene turned as well. “We are out celebrating, aren't we?” Lily nudged Remus who nodded in response, suddenly somewhat shy.

“Oh hi! you must be Remus right? I think we follow each other on Instagram?” The blonde said, giving him a huge hug as well and a kiss on the cheek.

“Yeah I think so!” Remus brought his hand up to his neck smiling, he already liked her a lot and could see how Lily and Marlene got along so well, they both had very fiery personalities. Marlene nodded, still smiling a half-drunk smile, eyes a bit glassy.

“Well we're celebrating as well! Ohhh come sit with us. Come come Lils pleeeeaseeee!” She pleaded taking Lily´s hand, already dragging her towards their booth in the corner. Lily turned her head to Remus, eyes asking a question. Remus nodded in response following the two women with their drinks in his hands.

“Oh my, hiya Lily darling!” A curvy woman with dark skin, black curly hair and dark brown eyes said and stood up giving her a hug.

“Hi I’m Dorcas!” She continued while letting Lily go to grab Remus into a hug, kissing his cheeks one at a time. _They were all huggers,_ Remus thought, a bit overwhelmed. It was not that Remus disliked affection in that way, it was more that he wasn’t at all used to it. When he was out, which he rarely was, he never used to hug anyone because of his poor immune system. He couldn't risk getting sick. But there was a first time for everything, and he decided that _this would be the night of firsts_. Maybe he’d even share a drink with someone who wasn’t Lily, he thought to himself and felt more at ease.

Remus pulled himself back to the present, and noticed that he had sat down next to Lily on the coach. He only had time to give her a reassuring smile until he became aware of the loud voices coming from the loo and shook his head knowingly, _of course_. He turned around to see Andy, blonde slightly tanned from the sun and blue eyed, walk with his shoulder over a man with black hair, brown skin, hazel eyes and round glasses. The contrast of the two men were captivating, especially as they might as well have been twins with the way their eyes sparkled and the corners of their mouths twitched up in the same friendly grins. They were talking loudly about something Remus could not quite make out and wandered closer to their booth.

“I made a friend!” The man with a broad built and glasses said loudly and smiled gesturing towards Andy.

“We can see that, James!” Marlene said shaking her head and then tilting her chin up to Remus and Lily. “We have too! This is my old childhood friend Lily and this is her friend, and now my new friend Remus!” She said and the man’s gaze landed shortly on Remus, who were smiling at Marlene’s kind words. Nodding his head the man named James stumbled forth and grabbed his hand. “Hiya, I´m James!” He smiled dopily. “Remus!” Remus returned grinning.

James´ gaze travelled from Remus over to Lily as she turned around, red locks of hair flying across her back. Remus could see those friendly hazel eyes widen when they locked on Lily´s emerald ones, and James´ mouth fell slightly open. No one said anything. Remus turned to look at Lily who seemed just as absorbed as James. Remus looked back and forth for a while and then cleared his throat, in an attempt, to make Lily aware of how long the two of them actually had been staring at each other. As if she just then realised that there did in fact exist other people in the universe, her eyes travelled to meet Remus´ and then back to James and extended her hand.

“Hi, I’m Lily Evans!” She said smiling. James took it, “Hi, I’m James, James Potter!”

“And I am Andy!” Andy said chuckling and threw himself into the seat next to Remus putting his arm over Remus´ shoulders. He then shook Marlene and Dorcas’ hands and gave them his one-of-a-kind smile, showing off all his pearly whites. “So, what are you up to tonight ladies?” He continued with a flirty voice.

James and Lily started laughing. Remus was confused. Marlene squeezed closer to Dorcas and put her arm around her.

“Sorry love you’re not really our type to be honest.” Marlene said with a wry smile and Dorcas chuckled and added, “At all I’m afraid.” Andy shrugged, turning to Remus.

“Wanna be my date for the night darling?” Andy wiggled his eyebrows giving Remus a mischievous grin.

“Buy me a drink and I might consider it.” Remus countered taking a gulp of his beer and winked at him with a matching grin. The table erupted in laughter but at that moment he heard someone shuffle next to the table.

“I leave for ten bloody minutes and you have already replaced me? Fuck that hurts, Marls. I expected better from you Dorky.” The man who was smoking outside said in a mock disappointed voice pointing at the two women.

“Pads it was _you_ who told _us_ you were gonna make new friends and ditch us? Having second thoughts, darling?” Dorcas said sipping some red wine.

“Excuse me what is this? I’d never leave you.” The man brought his hand to his hair, flicking it back. Remus scoffed, took a gulp of his beer and shook his head. Cocky as well, of course, he thought.

“You all know way too much and then I’d have to ‘clean up loose ends’ et cetera et cetera...” He continued while gesturing bunnies with his fingers.

“…and that is just way too much effort for my liking!” The man finished with a smirk, while James went to stand beside him and slung an arm over his shoulders in a brotherly manner.

“Mate you might have noticed that we have guests, if your ego wasn't so big that you just had a full-on monologue for the last five minutes.” He said and gestured to Remus, Lily and Andy. Sirius eyes wandered from their position at Marlene and Dorcas onto Lily and then Andy with his arm around Remus.

“Well Jamie, indeed how rude of me. I’m Sirius!” He said extending a hand to Lily who gripped it tightly, “Hi, I’m Lily,” She said and Sirius then turned to Remus and Andy, blue eyes raking over their faces and the arm displayed on Remus´ shoulders. Sirius' eyes went from playful to stunned and then back again. Remus didn't think anyone else had noticed, but he saw the piercing blue eyes, he saw how they had shifted. What that meant he did not know.

“And we have somehow managed to get _another_ couple into our group James!” Sirius looked at James and shook his head, “How will we manage, we are already two extremely lonely and sad gits!” But before James could answer Sirius' attention was back on the pair of them and he extended his hand to Andy, “Nice to meet you…uh?”

“Andy, and I wish!” Andy said kissing Remus on the cheek, making him blush a bit. “But I’m afraid he’s far too good for me.” He continued with a loud sigh and pretended to wipe away tears from his eyes.

“And you are far too straight for my liking.” Remus countered making the whole table laugh except for Sirius who just stared at him with those piercing blue eyes. Sirius extended his hand and Remus shook it.

“I’m sorry I didn’t quite catch your name?” Sirius said.

“Oh uhm…Remus, Remus Lupin.”

“Sirius Black.” He said back smiling, not yet letting go of his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always your kudos and comments make me so so happy, so thank you in advance Ily all!  
> You can find me on tiktok under moonyxmoa, til next time <3  
> Some translations for ya:  
> O fy chariad. Ni allaf hyd yn oed egluro pa mor hapus ydw i- Oh my love. I can´t even explain how happy I am.  
> Rwy'n caru'r ddau ohonoch gymaint…- I love you both so much...  
> ÄR DU SERIÖS? Oh fuck. Jävlar. FAN VA VI SKA FIRA! SHIT! HERREGUD REMUS - ARE YOU SERIOUS? oh fuck. Damn. FUCK WE WILL CELEBRATE! SHIT! OH MY GOD REMUS  
> Nejmen, fuck Remus! Shit, fan va vi ska fira! This will be fun! - Well, fuck Remus! Shit, Damn we´re gonna celebrate! This will be fun!


	4. Helios and Pontos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their night out continues...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey loves! Here is the continuing chapter of their celebration night out, as always a huge thank you to Em for betareading and editing<3 And thank YOU so much for reading!  
> TW: Anxiety attack towards the end, remember to take care of yourselves and read with care<3

Sirius held tight to Remus’ hand, losing himself in those golden eyes that seemed to be gathering all of the colours and light from the room, shining it right back at him, for him, _only for him_. Every surrounding sound, movement, smell, taste, went away. _Did Remus feel it?_ He must have, this couldn't all be Sirius, _right?_ He felt as if the only thing keeping him alive- pumping air into his lungs, making the bloodstream through his veins- was the other man's fingers pressed against his. Hesitantly, gently, slowly, he let go of Remus’ hand, noticing the other man lingering there a bit longer, before turning to James.

“Well, did you get it?”

“Of course I did! Gid even put in some extra for us, nice as they are.” James replied with a growing grin, and gestured to the two glasses, nearly full, with their favourite whiskey. No one else seemed to have noticed what had happened between Remus and him, as Sirius looked around at all their faces. Not Remus’ face though, Sirius could by _no circumstances_ look at Remus. His gaze instead landed on the glass and he sank down next to Dorcas on the couch, leaning forward to smell the whiskey. Sirius didn't like to acknowledge the fact that he had ever been a posh, rich boy who had learnt posh, rich boy things. As a result of that he didn't like to admit that he knew a good liquor from a bad one, but somehow, even when drunk, he could not drink whiskey if it wasn't _this_ particular brand. _He hated himself for it._

Putting the glass’ rim to his lips, he let the liquid settle on his tongue, perfect smoky flavour, and swallowed it, basking in the wonderful burning sensation travelling down his throat. He looked up and right there, mysterious, deep, golden, were Remus´ eyes. Sirius wanted to know what those eyes kept hidden, what they were holding back. Sirius wanted to _know_.

“So, Lily... how do you and Marls know each other?” James asked, breaking Sirius from his trance, looking at the redhead seated nearest the brown wall. Lily looked up and Sirius saw a smile spread across her face, showing the dimples of her cheeks that were beautifully adorned with freckles.

“Well, we were childhood friends, lived on the same street. Haven’t seen each other for a while though.”

“Yeah, it got harder to stay in touch when me and my family moved across town, we didn't go to the same school so we hardly saw each other.” Marlene added looking a bit sad. “But now, Lily Evans, I am never letting you out of my sight again!” She winked, sipping her wine. Sirius shook his head and let another swig of whiskey burn his throat before talking.

“Be careful there Lily, when she says that she is not joking. Nearly stalked me in the beginning.”

Marlene gasped, Dorcas laughed, James took another sip of his drink, Andy shook his head with a grin, Lily narrowed her eyes playfully, but _Remus just stared_. What was his deal? First crashing in on Sirius and his lovely cigarette break, then marching away angrily over…well Sirius didn't even know what for, and now he sits there across the table staring at him with those annoying eyes. Those annoying, mysterious, lovely, beautiful eyes.

_No absolutely not!_

Sirius accepted the challenge instead and stared back, Remus, probably realising he was caught, looked at Lily instead. Proud, however childish it was, of having won that staring competition Sirius also turned to Lily.

“Oh yeah? As if you didn't enjoy it.” Lily answered, raising her left eyebrow, matching Sirius’ smirk. Cheeky this one, might like her, Sirius thought.

“Are you calling me an attention whore, Evans?”

“Well…are you one, Black?”

Marlene scoffed while Dorcas shook her head up and down rapidly to make it clear that that was indeed very true, and James nearly spit out his whiskey because he had started laughing.

“In absolutely every way, dear Lily.” James answered, when he had composed himself, in Sirius´ stead. Sirius turned to James narrowing his eyes. “As if you aren't Jamie, the _literal football star_?” Sirius countered.

“Yeah James, your profession is getting looked at isn’t it?” Dorcas added nudging Sirius in a way of comradery. He smiled back at her.

“Excuse me? My profession is playing an extremely complicated and advanced sport. It's not my fault that people are watching me do it.” James scoffed.

“Are you honestly telling us that you don’t love every single second of the peoples’ roars, and applause, and chants of POTT - ER, POTT- ER, POTT- ER?” The redhead blurted out, bringing her hands in a circle near her mouth at the last part.

“As we just met, Lily, and I don’t wanna get off on the wrong foot, I’m gonna be honest with you. I absolutely love it,” James brought his hand to his hair, “But, that is merely because I am passionate about the sport, and nothing else.” He tilted his chin up in a mock-indignant way.

“Sorry mate but something tells me that you don't have such a problem being the center of attention other times as well.” Andy shrugged and drank more of his margarita.

“Well, Andy, my new best friend.” James began, but let out a soft yelp as Sirius turned towards him punching him hard on the arm. _How dare he?_

“Chill, _Sirius,_ you’re still my brother. You don't have to feel threatened,” He said back smirking devilishly, Sirius huffed crossing his arms.

Sometimes, Sirius knew he could be very possessive of his friends, especially James. He loved making new friends, but he didn’t want anyone getting too close, messing up his carefully spun web of friends and chosen family. He didn’t want anyone ruining what they had.

“I’m not gonna lie to you, I do like it, _a lot_.” James turned to Andy. “But, not as much as Padfoot.”

“Padfoot?” Sirius heard Remus’ slight Welsh accent ring and looked up instantly. He had been quiet for the last few minutes and it was as if he heard Remus´ voice again for the very first time. Remus saying _that_. _His name. His given name_. It warmed him all over, he wanted him to say it again, again, again.

“Yeah what’s a… _padfoot?”_ Andy added, saying the last word as if it was completely unfamiliar, looking nonplussed. Marlene laughed while Dorcas hid her smile behind her hand knowing what was coming. James and Sirius turned to them shaking their heads.

“Well Remus, that is in fact our absolutely very much awesome and cool nicknames.” Sirius answered turning to Remus, relishing in the way Remus´ mouth twitched up slightly as he said his name. He then raised his eyebrow looking back at Sirius, _fuck_ , even that absolutely normal act was breath taking when Remus did it.

“Don't laugh at us, we were only eleven…” James added bringing his hand as usual toward his head, messing up his hair even more.

“Well…what does it mean?” Lily's eyes wide with interest. Sirius could have fun with this, he leaned in making the others do the same.

“If we tell you, it can never leave this table.” He said as seriously as he could. Andy and Lily nodded, Remus huffed a laugh which made Sirius turn to stare straight into his eyes once again. “Or we might have to… deal with you.” Remus laughed at that, nearly ruining Sirius’ charade. _Remus’ laugh_.

“Black, you’re gonna scare them away, stop being a creep!” Marlene said. Sirius smirked mischievously.

“You promise?” He added.

“Promise!” They answered, instantly.

Sirius, content, turned to James. “Take it away Jamie!”

“Well, we’ve known each other since we were eleven, as you know, and we had a habit of getting in trouble at school, nothing bad mostly pranks and such.” James began.

“I’d like to add that we were very, very obsessed with superhero movies and really wanted cool nicknames ourselves.” Sirius added, nodding for James to continue.

“Pads or Padfoot comes from Sirius´ ability to nick things and the fact that he was very tiny.” – Punch in the arm from Sirius – “Oi!” James rubbed his arm and Sirius put his tongue out. “So, he could always sneak around the teachers and students.”

“Oh, I get it, Pad, as in the tip of your fingers and then foot, making you light on your toes. Really smart actually.” Remus blurted out. Sirius felt a soft warmth spread through his body once more. Remus called him smart, well technically he called eleven-year-old Sirius and James smart, but it still counted didn’t it? Well either way, it made him feel good.

“Thank you very much,” Sirius replied, giving him a flirty smile, that this time was _actually_ returned, making his heart swell. _God, get a grip Sirius_. “And Prongs comes from James having such messy hair making him look as if he has antlers.” – A punch from James this time – “Kidding kidding, jeez!” Sirius said rubbing his arm now.

“Well, I like it,” Lily added and, as James looked up smiling, she blushed. Sirius noticing, the exchange of looks between the two, cleared his throat feeling slightly uneasy.

“Uhm, Prongs actually comes from this one time when our professor Minnie caught him with her flashlight raised into the air and he looked like a complete deer in headlights.” Sirius started laughing at the precious memory. “You should have seen the look in his eyes, it was hilarious.” He added.

James made an annoyed noise and mumbled, “One time that happened. Once! And the name stuck forever.”

“Well, _kärt barn har många namn_.” Andy added nodding once. Sirius looked at him, confused at what had just come out of his mouth, he´d never heard anything like it before.

“Andy,” Remus said, shaking his head and downed the rest of his beer. “English please.”

“Oh sorry, sorry.” Andy laughed. “uhm Swedish saying, translates to ‘loved child has many names.’”

Sirius nodded, he guessed that was true, he loved James dearly and probably called him over twenty different nicknames, some included Potter, Jamie, Prongs, Potty.

“Well…enough about us.” James said. “When did you three meet?” Sirius could see his eyes linger, more time than necessary, on the redhead. Jealousy sprung up in him. _No, stop it Sirius_. _James is allowed to have other friends_ , he told himself, although the churning feeling, now residing in his stomach, did not go away.

“Well, we all met when we were eleven, me and Rem first, but Andy joined us pretty fast, and I guess we just clicked right away.” Lily said smiling gently towards the two young men. “How do you know them, Marls?”

“Oh, I went to nursing school with Sirius and now we work at the Oncologist together. And James and Sirius come in a pack of two so.” Marlene shrugged and smiled towards the men, reaching for Sirius´ hand, across Dorcas, which instantly made the growing monster in his stomach calm down. Sirius looked up smiling at Lily, but she and Andy were looking directly at Remus, who was staring down into his empty beer glass avoiding their gaze. Sirius looked furtively around, seeing if any of the others caught the strange moment, but the others seemed not to have noticed, Sirius was just about to open his mouth to speak but someone else was faster.

“Well shots anyone?” Lily said looking pointedly at Andy.

“Yeah I´ll get this round, uhm Lupin join me?” Andy grinned and nudged Remus in the side making him look up. Sirius saw that his face had changed. He didn't look flirty, mysterious or even annoyed anymore. He looked tired. Exhausted. Drained. Everything inside of Sirius told him to console the man. Wrap his arms around him. Never let anything ever again hurt him. But to his better judgement he just sat there. It went against his nature. He wanted to help. He wanted Remus to look happy, even angry again, anything but that look on his face. But to his better judgement _he just sat there_.

Remus nodded standing up following Andy. Sirius´ gaze followed them until they stood at the black marble counter, opposite Gideon, ordering in. He saw Andy shove Remus lightly with his elbow. Remus smiled. Sirius smiled. A hug was exchanged between the two, Remus' smile faltered a bit as Andy whispered something into his ear. Sirius' smile wavered a bit, and then a tray was being loaded up with shot glasses.

“So, what do you think, Sirius?” Dorcas nudged him in the ribs.

“Hello! Earth to Pads?” James waved his hands in front of Sirius´ face and he snapped his head back and looked into James´ hazel eyes that immediately shifted into a look of - _You alright?_ \- Sirius nodded, tucking his hair behind his ears he turned to Dorcas, “Think about what?”

“Going to the club after this? Lils and the guys are going!” She answered swallowing down the rest of her wine.

“Yeah absolutely, sounds good.” His voice drifted out of his mouth, but his mind was already imagining Remus and all his long limbs moving around to the music on the dancefloor. He smiled to himself letting out a soft chuckle at the image, wait no. _No!_ He could not be crushing this hard on the guy who had barely even spoken to him all night, and when he did it was mostly snarky or angry comments like outside. But Remus had returned his smile, hadn't he?

No, he was not going to fall for this guy who obviously had no interest in him. Yes, he´d said that comment about Andy and that meant he at least liked guys, but that didn´t mean he liked Sirius. _Why would he?_ Well, because I´m hot, funny, nice. _Hah, do you honestly believe that?_ Yes. _No._ Yes. _No._ SHUT UP! He snapped out of his head, and the voice that sounded an awful lot like the woman who some might call his mother, feeling the weight of James´ hand on his thigh under the table. Clearly laid there in a reassuring way, and in a place so that nobody would see and ask how Sirius was. He looked at James and smiled, _thank god for James._

–-

Remus came back to the table, holding the tray of shot glasses, as Andy attempted to make him laugh. He didn't think that the mention of the Oncologist would have affected him so, but nonetheless it had kind of killed his mood. Andy, of course, had done everything he could to make Remus feel better when they were waiting for the shots, and some of the dread had thankfully already washed away. Setting the tray back on the table he looked at Sirius, _fuck_ , still as beautiful then, and sighed. He could _definitely not_ be attracted to Sirius.

 _First of all_ he smoked, which in Remus´ opinion was fucking stupid. Why would anyone slowly kill themselves off? And especially for a nurse at the Oncologist department. Anger started to fill him up again. Somehow it always lay there, simmering, just beneath the surface. He was better at keeping it at bay now when he was older, or hiding it at least.

 _Second of all_ he had clearly no regard for how precious life was. _Die young and leave a pretty corpse_. Who the fuck says that? An arrogant prick that's who. But he does save and help people for a living, a small thought intruded on his otherwise hateful mindset. No. _Doesn´t matter._ Nope. Sirius could be a fucking angel and that wouldn´t change his mind. Remus was under _no_ circumstances ever going to fall for Sirius Black. What kind of a name even is that? A fucking cool name that´s what, the voice chimed in again. _Fuck, this is not going to work._

Remus looked up surprised that he had sat down, once again, without knowing it. He had a habit to slip away, into his mind, and usually it was a nice place to be. Other times not. Nevertheless, he had to keep himself _here_ right now. Andy was passing out glasses to everyone and Remus instantly perked up, knowing what was about to happen.

“Right so this is how it works; We sing a Swedish shot song and then we drink. Wow…it is way simpler than I thought, Swedes are stupid.” Andy grinned, and continued telling everyone where they could search for the lyrics on their phones and sang the song through one time.

Remus knew this was going to be chaotic, not only did neither of the other four friends know any Swedish, but Andy was already fairly drunk. A drunk Andy mixed with more shots, and six other people trying to accommodate him by singing a Swedish shot song would only make him even louder and more obnoxious, in the best way possible of course.

Remus knew the song by heart, Lily too, even though their Swedish wasn’t any good. He looked up at the faces around the table. Lily was shaking her head with a smile, Marlene seemed ready to go already eyeing her glass longingly. Dorcas with wide brown eyes was looking at the lyrics on her screen, James eyes twinkling with a smirk matching Andy’s and Sirius looked thoroughly confused. Something burned inside of Remus then, a desire to prove to Sirius that he would be better at this than him, and a mischievous grin spread across his face. He saw that Sirius noticed it too quirking one perfectly arched eyebrow, or at least attempting to, and winking. Remus had about a millisecond to think, look away or wink back? Look away or wink back? Look away or wink back? He winked. Sirius smiled. Andy started singing.

“HELAN GÅÅÅR! SJUNG HOPP FADERALLAN LALLAN LEJ! HELAN GÅR! SJUNG HOPP FADERALLAN LEJ!” Andy´s voice rang loud throughout the pub making every single person turn around to watch them. The others were trying their hardest to repeat the words on their phone screens, mostly it came out in mumbled shouts. Remus and Lily sang in their bad Swedish, grinning like mad men.

“OCH DEN SOM INTE HELAN TAR, DEN HELLER INTE HALVAN FÅR! HELAAAAAN GÅÅÅÅÅÅÅR!” Andy took his shot and the others followed. ”SJUNG HOPP FADERALLAN LEJ!”

Remus felt the burn of the vodka in his throat but was too occupied by his friends to think about it. They were all laughing now, shaking their heads. Marlene and Dorcas wound tight together on the couch opposite. Sirius next to them grinning, piercing blue eyes shining with happiness. Lily next to himself, pressing lovingly into his side, but if you followed her gaze it would lead you straight to James, who had stood up during the song, holding onto Andy clapping him on the back. Remus smiled, relaxed and let out a sigh, _another home_.

They had a few more drinks after that and in some cases shots – he didn't know how many that was for Andy and James. Remus was watching Sirius in the corner of his eye trying not to be noticed by the black-haired man opposite him when he saw Sirius turn to James, giving him a look and, before he knew it, they were both on their feet walking towards the karaoke machine. Marlene and Dorcas, who had been in a deep drunken discussion with Andy, shook their heads laughing as if this was a daily occurrence. The rest of them, including Remus, looked completely confused. The two black haired men snatched the microphones from their stands and nodded towards Gideon at the bar who was watching them with a smirk, and the tunes of ‘Lay All Your Love On Me’ by ABBA filled the pub. Remus felt his mouth fell slightly open, that song would definitely not be his first guess at their go-to karaoke song. He looked at Lily whose eyes were even wider than his own and on his other side Andy was grinning excitedly at him and mouthed “ABBA”.

“I wasn't jealous before we met.” James´, clearly tone-deaf, voice echoed through the speakers. “Now every person I see is a potential threat.”

“And I´m possessing it isn´t nice, you´ve heard me saying that smoking was my only vice.” Sirius sang bringing a black straw up to his mouth, pretending to smoke it. Remus tried to push the memory from outside, _die young and leave a pretty corpse_ , to the back of his mind, which wasn´t very hard when Sirius was looking so damn hot. Sirius could sing as well, this will be the end of me, he thought.

“But now it isn’t true. Now everything is neeeew!” James walked away from Sirius dropping to his knees.

“And all I´ve learned has overturned, I beg of youuuuuuuuuuu!” Sirius was also on the floor now.

“Don't go wasting your emotions!” Remus jumped as the whole room sang out and the two men on the floor started crawling towards each other. He started laughing, they were mimicking every single part of that scene from Mamma Mia. He looked at Lily again, who was crying with laughter. Dorcas, Marlene and Andy were swaying back and forth singing.

“Lay all your love on me!” The whole pub, Remus included, shouted out and for a second his eyes locked on Sirius´. Sirius was smiling, a huge other-worldly smile, and Remus could do nothing but smile back.

The song ended, James and Sirius returned to the table, looking extremely proud that they had proved that they knew the _entire_ routine of the Mamma Mia scene. The evening turned into night and before Remus knew it Lily was dragging him into a taxi and then they were led to a couch and a small round table on the left side of the club. Thankfully, Andy had called earlier that day, after their phone call, making sure they could skip the line and had a table ready for them there. The club was already in full swing, people dancing, singing, drinking. The music was blasting over everyone, drowning out any other noise. Right away Lily ceased Remus´ arm and pulled him onto the dancefloor, being completely and utterly drunk, Remus let himself be dragged. He didn't usually dance, unless it was in the safe confines of his home, but now he really didn't care. Especially when Ballroom Blitz was pushing into his eardrums, making his heart beat together with the rhythm of the bass.

_Yeah, yeah, YEAH-YEAH-YEAH_

The others joined them in the haze of the dancefloor. Bodies pressed against bodies. Fog filling the air. Floor sticky from spilled drinks. Sweat already travelling down his spine. Remus focused on Lily´s face, her mouth was moving as the lyrics continued but he could not hear her. He sang at the top of his lungs and smiled. Song after song after song.

He danced with Andy who was immensely happy that what he had wanted, bring Remus to the lgbtqia+ club in Gryffindor, since they were 18 had finally happened. Remus got caught between Dorcas and Marlene, they both took his hands and he twirled them around the room to the beautiful and powerful voice of Freddie Mercury - _I want to break free_. James who had gotten even friendlier, as the night drew on and his liver filled up with alcohol, kissed Remus on the mouth telling him how good friends they were going to be, that he could just _feel it and_ _knew it in his very bones_ and Remus maybe not as drunk, but drunk nonetheless, shook his head and replied; “Of course, I fucking love you man, so much!” bringing their foreheads together.

The one person Remus, even in his drunken state, tried to keep some distance from was Sirius. Because Sirius was dangerous. Remus knew this. He could feel it in every single part of him. He could not get too close to Sirius, for his own good.

Remus walked towards the bar where Andy and James stood speaking into the bartenders´ ear. He saw the bartender nod and fill up six shot glasses with tequila. They all grinned and downed two each. How many had that made? Four? Five? Six? No more than six, right? His head was swimming, and once again he was out on the dance floor.

Remus vision had gone blurry and he couldn't hear the song that clearly, but he was dancing, or was he? He suddenly felt as if he was unattached to his body, looking down from above. But at the same time he could feel every single nerve in his body, burning, burning, burning. His heart was beating fast, his head was spinning, his vision getting even more blurred. He stopped dancing. Everything was too loud, too bright, too close, too much. Everything was pressing into him. Everything was black, everything was silence, everything was nothing.

He couldn't breathe.

He couldn't breathe.

He couldn't breathe.

But then he could, his chest was moving rapidly up and down. He was breathing too fast, but unable to make it stop, as if his lungs had never gotten oxygen before and craved it, needed it, but didn´t know how to use it. He closed his eyes trying, trying, trying, to make it stop. Make the room stop spinning. Make his heart stop beating so hard. Make it all go away. He felt a soft hand on his arm and snapped his eyes open.

“Hey, hey Remus…you okay?” The voice of Sirius Black broke through the barrier that was surrounding him, pressing in, in, in. “Come on, let's go outside okay?”

“I don’t smoke.” Remus got out, how he didn´t know.

“I know, I just meant for fresh air. Come on.” He let himself be led out from the club by Sirius and before he knew it he was sitting on the ground, back against the stone wall, his knees drawn up to his chin breathing hard, his vision becoming darker.

“Okay Remus, I need you to try and concentrate on my voice okay? _Just my voice.”_ He could hear Sirius say, a long way away, but he could feel his soft hands around his forearms, pads pressing lightly. Remus could only nod as he felt everything and nothing at once.

“Okay Remus, try to focus on my breathing.” Sirius brought Remus´ hand away from where they were pressing into the skin around his knees, and instead towards the other man´s slightly sweaty chest. “In.” Sirius took a breath in. “Out.”. Remus tried to clear his head and follow, but everything was spinning, and he tried, he swear he tried, but his lungs wouldn't listen. Tears were streaming down his cheeks.

“I´m sorry.” He noticed his own hoarse voice say and shook his head, wanting, pleading, needing, praying, for this to be over, and felt Sirius light fingers on his chin tilting his gaze upwards to where Sirius was sitting hunched down in front of him.

“You have nothing to be sorry for Remus.” Sirius promised, his voice gentle. Remus shook his head, still trapped in his body, he just wanted to disappear, to not feel, and closed his eyes. “Hey, look at me.” Remus, gathering all of the energy he had left, opened his eyes, and he was instantly met with Sirius´eyes, the promise of deep oceans, steady waves, the calmness it provided. It was where the Sun and Ocean met, the blue surface sparkling with the sun's rays promises of love. _Helios and Pontos meeting for the very first time._

“Okay Remus, just keep your eyes on mine, focus on my voice and breathing.” Remus nodded.

“In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.” Remus with his eyes locked on Sirius´ breathed in a shaky breath, and let the air into his lungs, and then out. And then again. And again. With every long breath his senses came back, the world was still blurry but felt more real, he felt more present, _he felt_ _here_. The darkness, that had been slowly choking him, was also still there, lurking at the corners but not as prominent as before. When Sirius seemed to be content with the state of Remus, he pulled his phone out of Remus´ pocket asking him for the passcode, Remus supplied.

“I´m gonna go look for Lily, Remus. I think it's good if you go home. I´ll put my number here, call me right away if anything happens while I go look okay?” He said while his thumbs moved over the screen and popped the phone back in Remus´ hands. Remus just looked at him dumbstruck. He couldn't think, but at the same time every thought he had ever had was whirling around in his head, he wanted it to stop, he wanted it to be quiet.

“Remus, can you hear me?” Remus snapped out of his head and nodded. “Okay good, I´ll only be a minute but call me right away if it starts to feel bad again, okay?” Sirius said once more and Remus nodded.

He didn't want Sirius to go, he didn't want to be alone, but he knew that he was right. Sirius shouldn´t have to sit out here with him, _fuck,_ Lily shouldn’t have to either. _You are nothing else but a huge burden for everyone Remus,_ _who else could ever want you?_ NO! Shut up, shut up, shut up. Remus curled himself, once again, around his knees enveloping his right-hand palm around the David star hanging from his neck, pressing it in, in, in, not noticing the red drops that was starting to seep out of his skin. That wasn't his voice, he knew that voice way too well. He brought his hands into his eyes and pressed, pressed, pressed until stars appeared, and he could instead pretend to be lying on his back in the grass in Wales, looking up at the constellations adorning the sky.

“Remus!” A voice broke through the fuzziness, that everything else seemed to be covered with. He was brought back from the stars, from Wales, from safety.

“Rem, oh I´m so sorry, I´m so sorry.” Lily´s voice continued now beside him. His hands were pulled away from his eyes, but it wasn´t Lily’s small dainty hands that touched them. No, after tonight Remus would know those hands anywhere, those soft pads, they were Sirius´. Sirius lowered them from where they were pressing into Remus´ eyes and let them instead be covered with his own, once again their eyes met.

Why was he back? He could have just left Remus with Lily. _Fuck_ , was that pity in Sirius´ eyes? _Remus hated pity._ If Sirius was here out of pity he could just leave, he thought. Was Sirius here out of his duty as a nurse? Remus didn't need another person who only worried about him, another one in his life playing at being nurses. But Sirius was staring so gently and honestly into his eyes.

“Remus how does it feel now? How's your vision? Can you hear my voice clearly?” He said softly. Remus drew a breath, “Yeah, I can hear you. It's a little blurry, not almost-black…like it was before.” Sirius' lips curled into a small reassuring smile. Remus could feel Lily's small weight beside him now as she stroked his arm up and down, making sure he knew she was there.

“That's good, Rem, really good.” Lily said.

“Let's take some more breaths okay?” Sirius added and Remus nodded, he knew he must look awful right now, especially in comparison with Sirius. _In. Out. In. Out._

“You're doing so good Remus.” He continued, and Remus knew he was being coddled with, which he usually hated, but somehow it didn’t seem to make him as angry as it normally did. He heard Lily on his other side calling a taxi. They breathed together for some more time and when it felt as if his lungs, finally, were back to normal, he drew his hands back from Sirius´.

“Thank you Sirius. Fuck I´m so sorry...” Remus wiped his wet cheeks with his sleeves, “You didn't have to do that.” Hands now pushing his locks back from his sweaty forehead.

“Oh shut up will you? _Of course_ I did. I'm just glad you´re feeling better.” Sirius replied and his face was back to how it had been all evening, mischievous but full of love. The taxi pulled up, behind Sirius, on the road.

“You okay to get up?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah yeah, I´m fine.” Remus tried to stand up, but his legs were still shaking a bit, Sirius slipped his arm around Remus´ waist and helped him up with Lily at his front leading him into the car. As Sirius closed the door, the last thing Remus saw was those piercing blue eyes.

He let his head fall and rest on Lily´s shoulder, she opened his hand gently, wiping away the blood with some tissue from her purse.

“I´m so sorry Rem, so, so, so, _so_ sorry. I should have been there, I…I should have noticed. I´m sorry.”

“Stop it Lils. I was having fun the whole night. Something just snapped…I don´t know.” Remus murmured.

“Yeah but I should have known, you just got these huge news today and we made you go out and we brought you there and…”

“Lily!” Remus abrupted looking straight into her emerald eyes. “Stop, okay? I wanted to celebrate. I am not some child who can´t tell you no when I disagree! I wanted to…it…it was my choice. It just, I don´t know, became too much. It is not your fault.” Lily looked at him with wide eyes, teeth digging into her lower lip.

“Okay, I love you Moony.”

“I love you too Lils!” He said, starting to close his eyes again. “Can we instead talk about the fact that we got to see those two idiots sing ‘Lay All Your Love On Me’ and dance around pretending to wear flippers tonight?” Remus laughed and heard Lily chuckle lightly as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
> Link to Alicia Vikander, (a swedish actor) showing Jimmy Fallon "Helan går" aka the shot song. If anyone was interested to hear how it sounds :). 3min50secs in  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXeVp6aNwwY&ab_channel=TheTonightShowStarringJimmyFallon  
> As always you can find me on tiktok under moonyxmoa <3  
> Thank you for reading!!


	5. Into the calm abyss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! This chapter is a long one sooo I hope you´ll enjoy. A huge thanks to my lovely friend Em someforeignband/twelve.grimmauld.place for betareading!<33 As always I appreciate you all immensely for reading, kudoing and commenting!!  
> I don´t have any TW for this chapter, if you feel I should add any let me know!  
> When texting:  
> Remus - Bold  
> Sirius - Italic  
> Lily - Underlined  
> Andy - With hyphens on either side

Sirius woke up the next morning, his head feeling heavy like lead, hearing his bedroom door creak slowly open. Fast light footsteps travelled over the floor, closer to the bed, and not before long he felt the bed being weighed down on his left side.

“Wakey, wakey, love!”

Sirius drew his dark blue duvet over his head grumbling, “Leave me alone, Potter.”

“Why would I do that?” James chirped, irritatingly, as he opened the blinds, letting the summer morning sun light up the otherwise dark room, and tried to pull the covers that Sirius was clutching onto for dear life, down.

“Oi you mad man, not everyone is blessed by being immune to hangovers.”

Sirius noticed his voice was hoarse from the night before. “How early even is it?” A yawn came out of his mouth.

“Just past nine,” James replied, clearly closer this time, and Sirius turned his head, noticing that James had somehow managed to pull the duvet down enough to get under them as well. Sirius turned his body, so that the two of them were laying face to face, looking into each other’s eyes, their noses almost touching.

“We were up til four o’clock last night, and you´re barging in here expecting me to be up and ready at nine in the fucking morning Prongs?” Sirius pressed the pads of his fingers into his eyes, trying to get the sleep out of them.

“Of course not, I know what to expect after living with you for the past six years mate. But…well, I wanted us to eat breakfast... and I thought we could make it together.” Vulnerability flickered in James´ hazel eyes. Sirius´ lips, in response, curled into a reassuring smile.

“Absolutely! What do you wanna make? Avocado toast with beans and fried tofu?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” James brought his hand to his hair as a reflex, lifting the cover up a bit by accident, and Sirius nodded.

“So Jamie…” Sirius hummed, quirking an eyebrow, grinning. “I noticed some sparks flying between you and one especially feisty redhead yesterday… Care to elaborate?” James laughed.

“I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about,” He said while pulling away the covers. Sirius had to blink a few times while his eyes adjusted to the brightness.

“Oh come on, Prongs, I think you should give it a shot!” Sirius snickers, but James just turned to him and shook his head, continuing to walk towards the bedroom door.

“We can discuss my love life, _and future wife,_ during breakfast. Come on now.”

Sirius laughed, “Speaking of your love life, how’d it go with _him_ last night?” He wiggled his eyebrows as he stretched his arms above his head, feeling his tendons slightly crack. James chuckled.

“Speaking of my love life, huh? Well, he was very stubborn. Only wanted to go and check on Remus.”

“Well so did you if I recall, I had to practically drag both of you here from the club.”

“Yeah… we did try to run away at one point didn´t we?” James said, his eyebrows furrowing as if he were trying to remember a memory, long blacked out from the alcohol and lack of sleep. “Come on let’s see if he’s awake.”

There in their living room, on their brown faux leather couch, laid Andy with a bucket next to him on the floor. It was not empty, to Sirius’ dismay, at least judging by the smell entering his nostrils. James immediately went and opened the two windows placed on either side of their TV.

“I couldn’t get him to sleep in my bed though. So, I guess he just fell asleep right here.” James tilted his head, “Doesn’t look like he even moved to be honest.” He shook his head and Sirius advanced closer to the couch, kneeling down in front of Andy.

“Hey Andy, mate.” He said and shook him slightly. Andy stirred for a minute or so before opening his eyes, they looked unfocused, slowly registering where he was.

“Fan.” Sirius heard him mumble while rubbing the palms of his hands into his eyes. “Morning lads!” Andy let out a big yawn.

“Hiya Andy! Slept okay?” James´ voice came from the kitchen where he was filling up a glass of water for their new friend. Sirius may have been a natural born nurse, but James was clearly the mom of the group, always thinking about others, making sure everyone had everything they needed, a heart of gold the size of a football field.

“Very, thank you!” Andy replied and sat up stretching. “What time is it?”

“Half past nine, almost.” Sirius answered looking at the clock on the wall.

“Fuck, I better go to Remus and Lily!” He stood up putting on a pair of sunglasses, “Thank you for your hospitality mates!” He saluted them while James tutted.

“Oh no mister. Drink!” He shoved the glass into Andy´s hand, and Andy began drinking on command.

“Don’t you want any breakfast? Looks like you almost emptied your stomach last night…” Sirius responded, trying to avoid glancing at the bucket next to him. Andy shook his hand, putting down the glass on their coffee table, and went to put his shoes on.

“Nah it’s fine I’ll pick something up on the way…to say sorry.”

“You know, I don’t think Remus is angry at you, Andy. It isn’t your fault he had an anxiety...” Sirius began but Andy shook his head.

“Well...no I know that, but I just…I gotta go so...” He pulled the handle down and opened the door. “Thanks again, really!” He turned and the two of them waved him off.

“Anytime mate, especially in the state you were in last night.”

“You _both_ were in, James!” Sirius looked at his brother smirking.

——

The stream of water on Remus´ skin felt nice. It felt like every bit of anxiety and dread was washing off of him, as he stood there underneath the head: every cold drop of water, touching his way too warm skin, made him feel more and more relaxed.

He thought of the night before, of the pub, of the club, of him dancing with Marlene and Dorcas, Lily and him screaming at the top of their lungs. Andy grinning at him like he just won the lottery, James kissing him sloppily, and telling him how good friends they were going to be. He thought of Sirius being there, first out on the dance floor. Remus may have kept his distance but that didn’t mean that he hadn’t looked at Sirius. His eyes had been every bit as enchanting as intriguing. Looking into them had been like losing himself at sea, just as chaotic and thrilling as a storm. Sirius' body had moved with ease to the songs, as if he were born to dance, hips swaying, arms above his head. Remus found himself smiling where he stood, leaning slightly on the tiles.

And then outside, Sirius´ eyes had been caring, soft, soothing currents, pulling Remus up instead of letting him drown in the darkness, helping him reach the surface, helping him breathe.

He inhaled a couple of times, feeling himself become slightly hotter from the steam that were slowly filling the room. He turned the shower water colder. Remus loved hot showers, especially in the autumn and winter times, but somehow the warm water just didn´t make him feel as calm as the cold water did. First the change was chocking, making his skin ache in the best way possible. After just a couple of seconds, it transformed into peace, calm, the _drops dancing on his skin like fairies and dew at dawn_ , sun slowly rising.

Everything went quiet when his mind journeyed to his sacred place where everything was wonderful. Where he could dream, travel, laugh, love, cry even. A place that was his to control. A place where the colours never seemed to stop changing, playing, shining. Where all his favourite memories laid, safely tucked away, ready at a moment’s notice to be brought forth. A pair of piercing blue eyes made their way to the front of his mind and his thoughts began to stir in his head.

It hadn´t seemed as though Sirius remembered him from their brief meeting, at the hospital, yesterday morning.

Not that it had been a meeting, more so a short _– infinite –_ minute of pure staring.

Just as well, he thought. He didn't need his new friends to know about his past just yet. He, for once, had the chance to tell them at his own pace. Relief spread through him, as he thought about having people in his life that didn't know about the cancer. It felt like the perfect opportunity to start fresh.

Stepping out of the shower he dried himself off and started into his bedroom. On the bed under the covers laid Lily, only her fiery red hair visible. She was snoring lightly as he treaded towards his drawers, pulling out a pair of grey joggers and a black hoodie.

Turning around, he tilted his head. Somehow she looked so small, lying there, surrounded by dreams and wonders. How Lily Evans, the bravest, fiercest person in the world, in this moment, lulled by sleep, could look as small as a child was beyond him. His head snapped towards his open bedroom door as he heard a well-known knock on the front door, and then the sounds of keys turning in the lock.

_Andy was here._

Remus made his way out of his bedroom as quietly as he could, and closed the door to let Lily rest some more. Midway through the hall from his bedroom Remus saw Andy, eyes covered with a pair of black sunglasses, and in yesterdays‘ clothes, standing in the hall, carrying three to-go cups and a brown paper bag. Andy stopped where he stood, putting the stuff in his arms down on the small light brown wooden table next to the door.

“Hey there, stranger. Guessing I can assume you had some luck last night?” Remus chuckled before Andy took off his sunglasses and he was met with concerned eyes. Remus sighed.

“Sirius told you then.”

“Yes.”

Remus nodded, he didn't know what else to do. He hated the look in Andy's eyes. The look of pity, of worry. His annoyance quickly turned to anger, feeling it simmer, just below his skin. He truly hated that look, especially in Andy’s otherwise always joyous eyes. Remus stared right back.

“Stop looking at me like I'm some wounded animal! I’m not and I- “, Remus started, but Andy had begun walking towards him and enveloped him into a hug before he could continue. Remus hugged him back, closing his eyes, letting himself lean into the sturdiness of Andy.

“I'm sorry, mate.”

“You don't have to say sorry! I already told Lily I can make my own decisions and-“ Remus began, but was once again interrupted by Andy who pulled away from the hug, arms outstretched.

“Oh no, I’m not sorry that we went to the club, as you said you can make your own decisions and I know that if _you,_ Remus John Lupin, don´t wanna do something you simply don’t do it.” Remus eyebrows shot up to his hairline, covered by his messy brown curls.

“I'm only saying sorry because it's not fun having an anxiety attack, and I am sorry I wasn't there to help.” Andy finished, his eyes honest.

Remus nodded a few times, “Well in that case I accept your apology.”

 _“Great.”_ Andy shrugged.

“Great.”

“Want some tea and sandwiches?”

Remus chuckled, “As if you have to ask.”

The rest of their Saturday morning passed swiftly, Remus didn't have work until Monday, nor did Andy or Lily, so they spent it together cooped up in his apartment as the sunny weather of the day before turned into a rainy early afternoon. Lily, eventually, came out of his bedroom, her hair in a messy bun and in Remus´ oversize Bowie t-shirt.

“Morning sunshine!” Andy said, loudly, as she curled up in between the two young men on the couch.

“Make it stop talking.” She pleaded and pressed her forehead into Remus´ chest. He put his arm around her shoulders, stroking her freckled arm up and down.

“Lils, we’ve both tried that, for many _many_ years. I believe if _it_ had an off button we would know by now.” Remus chuckled as Andy shot him an incredulous look.

“Am I invisible? Fuck…it´s hard being a white, cis, heterosexual man nowadays.” Andy shook his head ironically, sending them a devilish smirk. Lily´s head jerked up instantly as she narrowed her eyes at Andy.

“Shut. The. _Fuck_. Up. Andreas. Or I swear to god I _will_ find your off button.” She said and flipped him the bird and laid down on Remus´ chest once more, as they all started to chuckle.

“Can I punch him? _I really want to punch him.”_ She added.

“No objections here!” Remus grinned and Andy jumped up and started running as Lily began chasing after him around the small living room.

This kind of banter was normal between the three of them, and Remus felt perfectly content sitting there, watching Andy being wrestled to the floor, sipping his tea.

The rest of their Saturday was spent watching a movie. This time it was Lily´s turn to choose, and as it was a hungover ‘I just want to sleep and eat junk food’ kind of day, she chose High School Musical 2. _Definitely not_ the choice Remus would have gone with, but at least he didn't have to pay close attention having seen it so many times before on the other two´s bequests.

Sitting comfortably, Lily snuggled next to him with her feet in Andy’s lap, Remus brought his phone out to text his mom about their plan to meet the next week. His eyes widened as he looked at the contact list on his phone.

There, three rows underneath his mother´s contact, was Sirius´ name. Memories, which had been suppressed to the back of his mind by the events of last night, flooded back. Sirius had put it in his phone in case something happened while he went looking for Lily.

Apprehensively, Remus pressed the “message” button. He breathed in a couple of times, thumbs hovering over the keyboard, while Zac Efron´s voice rang from the TV. He let his thumbs move over the keyboard and pressed send before he could regret it.

(9:05pm) **Hey, I just wanted to say thank you for last night! And, well I´m sorry again. Hope you could enjoy the rest of your night.**

Remus startled by the instant chirp that came out of his phone, turned the sound off and looked at the display, he huffed a laugh.

(9:06pm) _Hi, i'm assuming this is Remus? God I hope so,,, please tell me I didn't do something I don't remember last night…_

(9:06pm) **No no, not at all! …or I actually don't know if you did something you regretted last night tbh**

Three dots appeared, one after the other, at the bottom of his screen instantly and Remus could feel his heart beat to the rhythm of them.

(9:07pm) _PHEW! Well as I said last night, maybe you don’t remember? you have NOTHING to be sorry about!!! shit happens and i'm just glad I could help honestly :)_

 _Fuck, why was he being so sweet?_ Remember Remus, you do _not_ like this guy. But why did his heart beat as hard as it did right then, if that was even remotely true? He shook his head. You did what you wanted to do and now you stop.

(9:10pm) **Ok good. Thanks again.**

(9:11pm) np! Hope you had other fun parts of the night at least:)

Remus looked at his screen. He really shouldn’t continue. But he wanted to. So badly.

_Don't you understand Remus? They only see us as burdens, damaged. When are you going to realize that it is only us who gives a fuck?_

Remus´ grip hardened on the edges of his phone, as he tried to push away the words he knew to be untrue. His head had started throbbing and he closed his eyes.

“Hey, hey Rem?” Lily´s voice broke through the blurriness that had started to surround him. He felt the weight on his chest disappear and Lily´s hands were instead slowly pulling his tight fingers open, off of the phone´s sides. He let out a sigh as he felt Andy shifting closer.

“I'm _fine.”_ He opened his eyes and Lily who sat in front of him, eyes vibrant emerald, gave him a look of – _Don´t give me the ‘I´m fine’ crap right now_ – “It was just a memory of _him.”_ Remus lowered his eyes looking at his lap, but he knew his two friends were sharing a look.

“Do you wanna talk about it mate?” Andy asked as he put a reassuring hand on top of Remus´ shoulder, squeezing him lightly. Remus shook his head, “Nah, nothing I can´t handle.” He turned to Lily, but her eyes were already full of worry. He stood up abruptly.

“Pizza anyone? I'm starving.”

“Remus, I think that we should probably talk about last night.” Lily said, wrapping her fingers gently, but firmly, around his wrist preventing him to go anywhere. He brought his other hand up to his face, pinching the bridge of his nose, his head was still throbbing.

“There's really no need for it, Lils. _I´m fine_.” The redhead let go of his wrist and crossed her arms huffing a breath.

“Well, I´m sorry but you did not seem at all _fine_ last night!” Remus shot her a look, he didn't know how to respond. Anger was building up in him though, rapidly.

“Don’t look at me like that.” He raised his voice slightly, as if he couldn't keep it any lower for the life of him. Lily's eyes widened a bit at his raised voice, but she still looked determined, she was not backing down. Without meaning to, but unable to stop himself, he continued.

“I hate that look you both get, that worried look full of fucking pity. Do you know how many people that have looked like that at me? I can't even keep count anymore. I am not some fucking fragile, porcelain doll, and I can´t have you acting as if I might break anytime something happens to me.” Remus had started pacing the floor, not looking at any of them as he spoke, gesturing with his hands while talking.

“I know I have given you reason to be worried about me in the past…well with you know _him_ , but that was four fucking years ago now. And yesterday was just…I don´t know, I got all of these news, great ones, best news I have ever gotten!” He took a breath.

“And, I was having fun but then it was like I couldn´t fucking breathe. I was overwhelmed, and I just hate it- that I can´t get overwhelmed without you fussing over me like I'm some child, because I´m not! I’m a fucking adult and I cannot take that look you get Lils, I can´t because every time I see it, it´s like I’m nothing but my fucking trauma, nothing but the cancer, nothing but a fucking scared child hidden inside an adult body. And, I hate that, I hate it so fucking much and I can´t, I- I just can´t have you acting that way I-”

Remus abruptly stopped talking and walking as he realised Lily and Andy had come over, a hand each on his arms, which he hadn't noticed were shaking. He couldn't look at them though, it must have looked like the hardwood floors beneath them was the most interesting thing Remus had ever seen.

“Shit. Rem, I think that's the most I've heard you say in a row. Ever.” Andy chuckled trying to ease Remus to the couch. He let himself be led there, sat down and willed his gaze to find Lily who was hunched down in front of him.

 _“Remus.”_ She said, her eyes burning intensely. “I need you to understand that I do not pity you.”

Remus nodded.

“You are merely my best friend, brother, and I care about you. So, naturally I worry. I worry about Andy too, and Frank and Mary and Marls. I worry because I care, not because of your past Rem. And I will not sit here while you go off on me for caring.” Remus nodded again willing himself to stop shaking, he felt so fucking pathetic.

“I just I- I don´t wanna be just a result of my trauma, damaged, I just wanna be…me.” The words escaped his mouth before he had even thought them through. They were true though. _He just wanted to be Remus._

“Mate we´ve all got baggage, some more than others, and whether we like it or not it will affect us,” Andy said.

“Remus. You are you. You are not the trauma, you are not the cancer, you are not a child and I am sorry for making you feel that way. Everything that has happened to you has happened but it doesn't define you. Do you think I let my past define me?” Remus shook his head in response.

“So you understand that I don't pity you?”

“Yes, I understand that.”

“Well, then I must kindly ask you to shut up and stop being a prick when your two best friends only want to take care of you.” Remus brought his hands away from Lily´s and pressed them into his temples.

“Well that´s the fucking thing, Lils. I don't need anyone to take care of me I-“

“Remus!” She cut him off. “Don´t you think we know that? You have been through more shit than anyone else we know, okay? But it's not about us thinking you need to be taken care of, or that you can´t take care of yourself. It's about letting the people around you take care of you or help you because we _love you_ , because we care, not because we think you _need_ us to.”

Remus felt ashamed as he took in her words. He hated the few times he let his pride take over and he´d act the way he just did, but sometimes he just couldn't control it.

“I know, I guess I just have a hard time with it. Accepting help…”

Andy broke the silence with a laugh, “You think?”

Lily, fiercely, turned her head from Andy, towards Remus. “There is nothing wrong with _needing_ help either Remus…” She said earnestly, trying to catch his gaze.

“I know,” He mumbled, fiddling with the star which rested just beneath the hollow of his throat.

“Good, because I will never stop caring or helping, that is simply what I do. I am _not_ pitying you.”

“I know.” He repeated.

“Okay then.”

They were silent for a while, which was very _very_ unusual between the three of them, and of course Andy, being the least stubborn out of the trio, was the one who spoke first.

“Pizza anyone?” Andy chirped in trying to ease the mood.

Remus looked at Lily and, when she nodded, he answered “Yeah, thanks.”

They recovered from their argument fast, not being able to stay mad at each other for very long. Remus knew, deep down, that his friends only wanted to help him because they cared. But somehow it was very hard for him to accept help. They talked it through though, somewhat against his will.

“Well, love, it's not weird that you feel this way.” Lily said as she pushed a pizza slice into her mouth.

“What do you mean?” Remus said over the rim of his glass of water.

“Well, for your whole life you have been dependent on someone else. First your parents, as most children, and then the doctors, nurses, psychologists et cetera, et cetera. Knowing you can´t live your life without their help, their presence, well that stuff leaves a mark.” Lily responded matter-of-factly and continued, “Everyone wants to become their own person, wants to-“

“-Wants to break free.” Andy chirped in smiling dopily, “As Troy and Gabriella so beautifully sang,” Lily chuckled and Remus raised his eyebrows.

“Yes, Andy beautifully put.” She continued shaking her head.

“Did you just quote High School Musical instead of Freddie Mercury?” Remus raised his eyebrows. “I am actually ashamed of calling you my friend right now.”

Andy winked back in response.

“Well as I was saying…” Lily tried to gather the boys´ attention once more. “You'd obviously want to do things by yourself, be independent, prove that you do not need any help.” She finished eyeing Remus.

“Well fuck…you´re gonna be one amazing psychologist, Lils.” Remus said wide-eyed. “Am I fixed now?” He smiled ironically.

“Sorry, love… you have to put in a lot of effort as well I’m afraid.” Lily said as she leaned forward, grabbing his plate to go put them into the dishwasher.

“Oh Lils, you don't have to-“ Remus began but Lily turned around and tutted.

“First thing to work on; let people help you, Remus. Even if it is a small thing like putting away the dishes.” Remus smiled back and settled down onto his chair once more.

“I really like Breaking free with Troy and Gabriella, it's a really heartfelt song and-“ Andy began but Remus had turned to glare, at the blond man sitting to his right, making him stop at once.

“Don´t you dare compare High School Musical with Queen, Andy. Don´t you fucking dare.”

Remus´ two best friends spent the rest of the weekend at his flat. The sky seemed to have opened up outside, and the rain was pouring down, smacking hard against the windows. They watched more movies, played board games, ate good food and drank tea. In Remus´ opinion it was the best way to spend his free time.

Before he knew it, the weekend had turned into week. Everything went smoothly during Monday and half of Tuesday until Remus working, at the register of the small bookstore in Gryffindor center, felt a smack on his arm.

“Ow!” He said loudly and turned around, an instant smile started to spread on his face, and the aching in his arm subsided.

“Are you going to tell me that I honestly found out about you being cancer free from that moron of a man Andy before you told me yourself, Remus John Lupin?” Remus chuckled lightly and furrowed his brows, bringing his hand to his neck.

“I´m sorry, Mary. I just haven´t had the time to tell you.”

“Well a simple ‘Hey Mary, just so you know mate I don't have a deadly disease no more’ text would have sufficed.” She scoffed, crossing her arms and tilting her weight onto one hip, making the other curvy one go up.

“Are you honestly telling me that you would have just left it at that and not… I don’t know, _ambushed_ me at my flat?” Remus raised his eyebrows at her, in a way of victory. She huffed and rolled her dark brown eyes at him.

“You bet your fine arse I would have ambushed you.” He tilted his head, quirking one eyebrow, making her laugh.

“Okay, _okay_ I get it. Just bloody sucked getting the news from him and not you…”

Remus brought the young woman into a hug, feeling her curls tickle his neck gently.

“I’m sorry.”

Mary instantly stretched her arms out. “No, _I´m_ sorry, babe. Didn´t mean to make you feel bad. Honestly I get it, you must have had a pretty busy weekend.”

“Yeah I did.” She brought her hand to his arm and began to stroke it.

He thought about everything that had happened that weekend. It somehow seemed at least ten years ago since he'd gotten the news but at the same time it felt like it just happened. _Time was strange._

“Well…how are you feeling? Overwhelmed?”

“Yeah a bit…it's- it’s a lot. I somehow thought that being rid of the cancer would get rid of all the other shit that came with it, but unfortunately it seems like some of it stuck.” Remus chuckled.

Mary nodded in understanding, and her mouth turned into a beautiful smile. “I adore you Remus, you know that right?”

Remus looked at her and smiled back, “I love you, too, Mary.”

Remus could always trust Mary to not pity him or worry too much. She had never, since they met four years ago, treated him any different because of what he´d been through. She was just a no bullshit kind of a person who always told it as it was.

She was charming too, the life of any party. But the thing he admired most was how much she knew her own worth, she stood up for herself and never apologized for being who she was. Mary Macdonald was really something else.

He hugged her again, just because he could, and as Mary began stroking his back she said, “Two hugs in one day, sweetheart? Well, I really am a lucky girl.”

He started to feel kind of stupid for not inviting her out last Friday, although initially it was only going to be him, Lily and Andy. Next time, he´d make sure she came too though because he truly loved her presence.

\--

While Remus was having lunch at the bookstore on Thursday the same week, he heard his phone chirp and he pushed the message that had popped onto his screen.

Group chat - The Three Musketeers

(12:10pm) Fancy going for a swim tomorrow?

(12:11pm) **Yeah absolutely, I have the day off.**

Remus answered, smiling to himself in the break room, as he put another mouthful of pasta into his mouth.

(12:13pm) -Can´t, I got work! :(((( SEND HELP-

(12:13pm) SHUT UP, I am drowning in preparation for next term….

Remus chuckled as he saw another message pop onto the top of his screen, from only Lily this time.

(12:14pm) Well then it´s just me and you Rem, can´t wait xx

Remus smiled back. He loved the three of them, their little trio, the Three Musketeers as Remus had dubbed them at eleven years old, but alone time with Lily, with his sister, other-half, was another thing all together.

(12:16pm) **Can´t wait!!**

\--

“Oi Prongsy-boy, you ready?” Sirius called out as he was putting on his black vans at the door. James came out from his bedroom hurriedly, wearing his red bathing shorts, a V-neck navy t-shirt and his sunglasses.

“Yeah, yeah. _Shit,_ Pads, calm down!” Sirius turned around, he hated when people told him to calm down, especially when he was already calm. He scowled at his brother.

“I am calm!”

“You don't sound like it,” James countered knowing exactly how to push Sirius’ buttons. Sirius shook his head trying to not get agitated.

“I'm going down to the bike,” Sirius said as he opened the door and went out into the hallway. James pulled his rucksack on, “It's way too easy getting under your skin, mate.” He laughed closing the door and locking it.

Sirius always felt much calmer when he was on his bike, feeling the air on his skin, the tires under him sliding against the hot cement surface.

He felt lighter, at peace. He felt like the end of a coming-of-age movie when that song that makes you feel like you´re flying comes on.

Although Sirius was already of-age, which he didn't like to dwell upon longer than necessary, _thank you very much._

Being on his bike, _being in control_ , it was tranquillity at its finest. He and James often took the bike out on their free days, and when he saw the city turn to suburbs turning to countryside and small forest roads, he felt himself relax more and more.

He rode down the small hill, and stopped as they reached the car park. James hopped off, from behind him, pulling off his helmet and bringing his hand towards his slightly sweaty hair.

“It’s hot out today, jeez!” He said as Sirius pulled his own helmet off, putting it under his arm, and then locking the bike.

“Yeah it really is, come on let´s find somewhere to sit.”

They walked towards the lake, which was surrounded by forest on both sides and with majestic mountains, that were covered by trees of various sizes, types and shades of green, climbing the sky behind it as you looked out at the water. In front of the water edge were two long grass patches with a small gravel path in the middle. The place was already filling up, even though it was barely noon, and the two of them looked around for a place to settle.

“James? Sirius? Is that you?” They heard a voice from their left and both of the black haired men turned around. There, in the small distance, sat a bikini clad Lily Evans waving at them both and next to her someone was lying on a towel. Sirius knew that someone. Remus Lupin was lying on his front, head resting on his forearms, gaze tilted towards the lake.

“Well, fancy seeing you here, Evans!” James said starting towards the redhead, with a charming smile now on his face, and Sirius followed.

“Hi, Sirius!” She said, giving him a huge smile.

“Hey!” He waved and turned his gaze towards Remus. Why hadn't he said hello yet? Was he still angry about their spat outside the pub? Even though Sirius had helped him out at the club? Well…not that Remus was indebted to Sirius in any way, but some hospitality wouldn't be wrong.

As if Lily was psychic, she huffed a laugh which made Sirius aware that he had been staring a bit too long at the man, and he turned towards her instead as she said, “He's sleeping, bless him. Has the ability to fall asleep anywhere.”

That eased Sirius down somewhat, at least Remus wasn´t purposefully ignoring him. Still, being this close to Remus Lupin, slightly sweaty, all long limbs and brown curls, skin amazingly tanned, looking like a fucking Greek god, was a little more than Sirius could take.

To his dismay James was taking out his towel as he said, “Well of course, we'd love to join you! Right Pads?” Seemingly answering something Lily had asked.

Sirius once again turned towards the other two and nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

Sighing slightly, he took out his own towel and spread it out on the grass. Lily nudged Remus lightly and he stirred for a minute before he turned his head towards the red head groggily.

“What?” He said in a perfect _‘I just woke up’_ voice.

“We've got some company, love.” Remus slowly pushed himself up from where he was lying and turned around. First his gaze landed on James, but it was not long until it fell upon Sirius.

Sirius smiled at him, “Hey.”

Remus, wide eyed, did not smile but pressed his sunglasses into his hair, pushing his curls effortlessly away from his forehead, “Uhm, hi.”

Sirius was at a loss for words, and that did not happen often.

“Remus, mate! How are you?” James´ joyful voice rang through the air and Remus´ eyes snapped to him instead giving Sirius the ability to breathe back.

“Oh, I'm fine, thanks. How about you?”

“I´m fucking hot,” He laughed. “You feeling okay after the other night?”

Sirius saw Remus´ eyes flicker for a tiny moment, and if he wasn't completely wrong, _which he rarely was,_ he thought he could see some annoyance in them. He furrowed his brows slightly at Remus. What was his deal? James hadn't done anything to receive a look like that. Sirius tried to take a deep breath as he was feeling his over-protectiveness for James kick in.

“Fine.” Remus mumbled and then probably noticing the slightly hostile tone added, “Thanks for asking James.”

“No problem mate.” James chirped, seemingly unaware of Remus´ change of mood. “I had to basically drag Andy home to our place so he wouldn't disturb you two in the middle of the night.” The friends laughed and Sirius, feeling less awkward, decided to chime in.

“Oh, _that_ is how you recall it? Don't spread lies Jamie, _I_ had to practically drag _both of you_ home.” Sirius said and because he was feeling extra deviant added, “And, I do believe you telling me that Remus here wasn't the only reason you wanted to visit.” James eyed him angrily and Remus huffed a laugh behind his hand.

“Well…I'm going for a swim.” Lily said abruptly, standing up.

“I'll join you!” James said smiling, and he too stood up, “Uhm really hot!” He grinned as Lily raised an eyebrow and started to walk towards the jetty, but Sirius could see that she was smiling to herself.

Sirius' eyes widened as he realised that he and Remus were all alone.

“Uhm, thanks for messaging me by the way,” He tried. Remus looked up, a small smile creeping onto his lips.

“Yeah, thanks again for helping the other day.” Remus´ hand shot up to his hair bringing the sunglasses out of it, his curls bouncing back into place, and laid them down next to him on the towel.

How could they have been so connected the other night, and now everything felt a bit strange, awkward, even cold?

“Well…” He chuckled. “I couldn't have just left you stranded right? I’m a nurse, it's my duty to save people you know!” He replied dramatically, putting his hand on his heart.

But, to Sirius´ dismay, he had apparently said the complete wrong thing because Remus' smile had dropped and his eyes looked, _well Sirius didn't know exactly what_ , but they weren't happy.

“Yeah, thanks for doing your duty then.” Remus answered and stood up, “I´ll think I´ll-“ He started, tilting his head to where James and Lily stood, trying to push each other into the water, and began walking.

Sirius tried racking his brain, what had he done wrong this time? Nothing. He had been perfectly nice. Even carried the conversation forward. Even made a joke. Maybe it wasn´t he who was the problem, maybe Remus was just stuck up. He tossed off his shirt and ran towards the others.

\--

Remus had just reached Lily and James, both soaking wet, when he heard someone shout and the jetty underneath them started to wobble like crazy.

“CANNON BALL!”

The jetty started shifting even more back and forth making Remus having to hold onto James´ shoulder so as to not fall. He heard a ‘splash’ and not before long Sirius' head emerged from the water, a smile growing on his face.

“Remus come on in, there are no sea monsters I swear!” He laughed and tried, very cutely, to quirk an eyebrow. Remus narrowed his eyes playfully while taking two long strides. Putting his hands above his head he dove into the blue waters.

When his head collided with the surface and his body glided underneath, everything went quiet. He swam forward, feeling as if time stood still. Underneath the waters were no dread, no anxiety, no shitty world. Underneath the surface was only him and peacefulness. Another stroke, travelling deeper down into the calm abyss. He closed his eyes.

Remus could have sworn he was able to breathe under water until he felt the stinging of his lungs screaming for air to fill them up and, with a long breaststroke upwards, he breached the surface. The light, the sounds, the world, filling his mind up once more.

He turned around and saw Sirius watching him from a few metres away, still in the water, before the young man started to clap his hands.

“Not bad Lupin, not bad.” He said.

“Thank you very much.” Remus replied, very proud over his diving techniques.

“Well… _at least for an amateur.”_ Sirius added.

“Excuse me?” Remus started swimming towards the ladder that led out of the water onto the jetty.

“Oh please Pads, don´t go all posh on us.” James said pinching the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes.

“What do you mean?” Lily asked, eyes wide. James shushed her.

“No don´t ask, shit…he's on his way up.”

As Remus had finally gotten his balance back, while some kids were running back and forth jumping into the waters, Sirius had made his way to the ladder. Remus watched as Sirius´ emerged from the lake, the sun making the drops of water on his skin look like diamonds, his arm muscles were flexing as he pulled himself up, his black hair was plastered to his neck. Remus felt his mouth open and his eyes widen, as the man before him started shaking his head left and right, and slowly stroking his left hand through it giving it a rugged look. Remus were, in that moment, convinced that he was in one of those movie scenes where someone walks out of the water in slow motion.

“Well as you asked Lily…I will tell you.” Sirius smirked which broke Remus´ trance and he immediately closed his mouth hoping no one had seen.

“I am known to be absolutely awesome at many _many_ things…” He continued catching Remus´ eyes at the last part making his head imagine all sorts of things, which he tried his hardest to block out.

“One of these many _many_ things include the fact that I did diving as a young lad.”

“Oh well, then you better impress us, Mr. Diving expert.” Remus said with a wry grin, crossing his arms. Sirius´ piercing blue eyes turned to stare at him.

“Do you doubt me, Remus?”

“Oh, absolutely I do.” Remus caught himself saying.

With one last determined glare, Sirius turned around towards the water and made the most elegant dive Remus had ever seen. The stance, the jump, the pointiness of Sirius´ toes. Once again his mouth fell slightly open. He never thought a _dive_ of all things could be so enchanting, but he had indeed been proven wrong.

Sirius´ head once again emerged through the glittering surface of the lake, making the water ripple around him, and Remus couldn't help but smile.

“Well?” Sirius said from the water. Remus furrowed his brows in response.

“Where are my applauses? I believe I gave you one.” Sirius continued.

Remus scoffed, raising his shoulders, “I've seen better.” Sirius´ mouth dropped and he breathed in dramatically as he turned to James.

“Prongs! Do you hear this?”

James laughed, “Yup, I agree. I´ve seen better.” He nudged Remus showing him they were on the same side. Sirius gaped even more and looked at Lily pleadingly.

“Oh lads, I just…I'm sorry I can´t. Not when he's looking at me with those puppy eyes.” She said and Sirius immediately smiled.

“Who´s a good boy then, yes you Sirius, yes you!” She knelt down on the jetty pretending to put her hand out with candy. Remus and James started laughing. Sirius narrowed his eyes and made a flip into the water and swam some metres away.

“And now he's doing tricks! Such a good dog!” James said and Lily together with Remus laughed even harder.

\--

A couple of hours later the four of them were lying on their towels, soaking in the sun. From a small portable speaker, in the middle of their huddle, rang Hozier´s voice making them all go quiet. They laid there, simply listening to the Irish´ voice, in their own bubble, feeling like they were flying.

_And it's worth it, it's divine. I have this some of the time._

“Well I don´t know about you, but I want to jump some before we go home!” Sirius said, as the next song came on, and hauled himself up.

“Yeah me too, how about you guys?” James also stood.

“Jump?” Lily sat up, frowning.

“There are some cliffs through the woods to the left.”

“Oh, you mean cliff jumping?” Lily said, her emerald eyes shining with excitement.

“Count me out!” Sirius heard Remus´ hoarse voice say, from where he had probably been sleeping. Lily pushed her index finger into his side, making him laugh and squirm away from her. _Remus Lupin was ticklish_. Sirius couldn’t help but smile.

“Oh come one Moony!” She said.

Sirius looked at Lily, he had never heard anyone call Remus that before. Curiosity once again settled inside of him like an old friend. The name drifting around in his head. Moony. Moony. _Moony_.

“I´ll come but I will not jump, I actually care about my life.” He said, while Sirius watched him stretch his long limbs and tried to get up. Sirius put his hand out and Remus stared at it before taking it, letting himself be helped up.

They all went into the forest, which rose high with both conifers and deciduous trees, and walked upwards for about five minutes before reaching the cliffs. They weren't that high up, maybe five metres at most, but the view was spectacular.

When they had reached the top, Sirius breathed in and looked over the lake and the surrounding landscape. It was beautiful, the evening sun shining like gold on the lakes´ blue surface, making it sparkle like diamonds. He turned around to the others behind him, his eye´s landing on hazel first, then emerald, and at last gold.

“Oh my, this is absolutely breath-taking!” Lily said, as she walked closer to the edge, looking out onto the acres of forest before them.

“Yeah, it really is.” Sirius heard Remus say and he turned around to see Remus advancing further out, nearly beside him now.

“It's my favourite place on earth. Makes me feel sane. Like happy… you know, calm.” Sirius replied without looking away from Remus who then turned towards him.

“It's beautiful.” Remus said and for a moment, a small one at that, Sirius wished Remus were saying that about him and not the view. Remus´ eyes were shining even brighter from the light of the setting sun. Or was it the other way around? Sirius couldn't tell.

“Yeah…let's jump!” James´ carefree voice rang, breaking whatever was transpiring between the two men at that moment.

“Let's do it!” Lily added and stepped even closer to the edge. Sirius saw James advance, and when he stood next to the redhead he took her hand. Lily´s gaze instantly turned to the pairs´ intertwined fingers, instead of the lake.

“Potter, I can jump by myself you know?” She wrinkled an eyebrow.

“Of course you can! It's more fun doing it together though.” He answered without missing a beat. Lily's eyes widened, as they were scanning James´.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” James asked.

“Okay, let's do it together.”

With a nod from James they jumped. Sirius and Remus ran to the edge and heard a loud “WOHOOO” sound come from James´ mouth before they saw the two figures disappear underneath the surface and waves started forming where they had landed.

“You can hold my hand, if you want.” Sirius turned to Remus with a sly grin.

“Ha. Ha. Very funny.” Remus countered matching his smirk.

“What?”

“I’m not jumping, I don't have a death wish.”

“Oh come on Remus, you can't just stand there and let life pass you by right?” The young man next to Sirius narrowed his eyes. “You know what the kids´ say…yolo.” Sirius finished trying not to laugh at Remus´ expression.

“What?” Remus stuttered out, raising his eyebrows.

“Well you know, yolo. You only live once. Very nice expression, very philosophical some might say.” Sirius hummed, unable to make the corner of his lips stay put.

Remus smiled and shook his head, and to Sirius´ surprise put his hand out without looking at him. Without a second thought Sirius put his hand into Remus´, their fingers interweaving gently but firmly.

Sirius never wanted to let go. It was as if his hand and Remus´ were meant to rest there together, as if they had been searching forever for one another, and now when they had finally found each other were intertwined in every part of their lives. As if letting go of the other man's hand would be like the _Fates_ _cutting his_ _thread of life_. Remus turned his head, golden eyes searching for Sirius´ piercing blue ones.

“Yolo.” Remus said and Sirius´ eyes widened as he started laughing, Remus started laughing too.

“Yolo.” He answered, and they jumped off the cliff, soaring through the air, not letting go of each other until they were safe underneath the water once more.


	6. The Whole Universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, sorry it has been some time since an update I´ve had alot going on! But today is Valentine´s day so I guess this is my gift to all of you, thank you so much for all of the support and comments and kudos! It means the world.  
> A huge thank you to Em (twelve.grimmauld.place) for as always being such a huge support and also beta-reading this chapter!!

Once again, out of the water, the quartet laid, soaking in the warmth of the evening sun. The water droplets on their skin drying off, as if they had never even been there to begin with, second by second.

Sirius closed his eyes and let himself relax to the sound of the cicadas in the bushes. Laying there, breathing in and out, in and out, in and out. But not before long, as usual, he got antsy, he had never been able to sit still for very long.

He propped himself up on his elbows, gazing over his surroundings.

Those who had come by day, mostly parents with younger children who were probably trying to enjoy the small amount of time they had free from work during the summers, were packing up and going home for a nice Friday dinner.

Sirius huffed, _imagine having a childhood where your parents took you anywhere where you actually felt joy._

Replacing them were larger groups of teenagers, all rowdy and loud, Sirius looked at a group of friends making their way from the car park, who undoubtedly had some alcohol in those plastic bags of theirs.

He let his gaze wander over to the water, a pair were still going strong as they swam back and forth, back and forth, to and from the middle of the lake. The mountains behind the lake were shining with gold and had a pinkish red glow over them. Tilting his head upwards, he saw that there wasn’t a cloud in sight. An airplane flew above them, but it took a few moments before the sound entered his eardrums.

 _Why did the sound always come after the plane?_ It was almost like an echo, he thought, as his eyes watched the plane disappear from view to his left, while his ears picked up the sound from his right.

Looking back down again he noticed that he´d been tapping on his thigh with his fingers, the craving had, as it always did, kicked in. He brought out the packet of cigarettes and his lighter out of his bag.

Putting the roll-up in between his parting lips, he felt the saliva building up as if he had been hungry for a whole week and a feast laid right in front of him. He flicked the lighter, bringing it to his mouth, but, before he could enjoy the glorious tobacco, a voice brought him out of his trance.

“Can you do that _somewhere else?”_ Lily said briskly.

His eyes landed on hers.

“Oh shit. Of course, sorry.” Sirius said and stood up, walking some metres away and finally lit the cigarette.

He breathed it in, feeling the smoke settle in his lungs, and breathed out. Some people really hated smoking and believe him he understood why. Smoking, definitely, wasn´t for everyone and _yes_ James always badgered him ‘Sirius, it's such a filthy habit’, ‘Sirius, stop smoking for fucks sake’, ‘Sirius, you´ll get cancer’, he’d heard it all from James, already. Sirius knew James was right, of course.

But, he currently had no interest in actually changing his filthy habit. He knew it was stupid, but c _ould people just let him be fucking stupid then?_

He shook his head and looked down to where the cigarette, resting in between his two fingers, had almost burnt up, and brought it to his lips one last time, sucking in the fumes as if it was his oxygen. Tossing the butt towards ground he stepped on it and made his way towards the others who seemed to be emerging in casual conversation.

“So what are your plans for the weekend?” James asked, pulling his t-shirt on over his still slightly wet hair.

“Oh, nothing really. Right, Lils?” Remus answered dabbing his own towel on his curly hair.

“No, nothing planned. How about you guys?” Lily answered.

Before James could respond Sirius blurted out, as fast he could, “Well me and Jamie are having a party at the flat tonight!”

Smiling towards the pair he then turned to find James´ eyes, which were already full of confusion. With one look from Sirius, James understood and he too turned to the others.

“Yeah yeah, a party exactly.” He grinned nodding towards Sirius who just thought; ‘Why the fuck did I have to become best friends with the one guy who cannot tell a believable lie for the life of him’.

Sirius couldn't help but smile though, because that was what he admired most about James: he was so bloody righteous, with that ‘big as the lake behind them’ heart of his. It couldn’t help but rub off on everyone within a mile’s distance.

“You should come!” Sirius turned to Remus, catching his eyes which were hard to read.

“Yeah. I’m in… How about you, Rem?” Lily answered nudging Remus in the side.

“Okay, sure.” He said turning to Sirius. “Can we bring a couple of friends?” Remus added, a small smile creeping onto his lips.

“Absolutely.” Sirius beamed with happiness that they – _Remus_ – had decided to come. “All of our friends will be there, the more the merrier.”

“Okay yeah, sounds good.” Remus said and turned to Lily who nodded.

Sirius looked back and forth between the two of them, something seemed to have been said without words between the duo. Maybe they had some sort of telepathic thing, just as he and James.

Lily and Remus stood up and bid the other two goodbye as they made their way to the car park. Sirius packed together his things and hoisted himself up, trying very hard to avoid James´ eyes that were following him, trying to catch his own. James let out a laugh and Sirius couldn’t help it, his curiosity, as always, took the better of him, and he turned around staring at his best friend.

“What?” Sirius said, crossing his arms.

“Mate you are aware that we have no party planned, right?” James deadpanned.

“Yes.”

“And we have not invited one single person we know?” James furthered.

“Yes.” Sirius replied, rolling his eyes.

“And we have nearly no alcohol or snacks or anything at the flat?”

“Yes Jamie I am aware of all of those things, what exactly is your point?”

“Nothing.” James´ lips curled into a wry grin, putting the palms of his hands up in a gesture of surrender.

“Okay, good.” Sirius said and made his way towards his other beloved, _non-condescending_ , best friend- his motorcycle.

“Well it's a good thing they could come, right?” James was leading up to something, Sirius knew it.

“Yes. I guess...” Sirius said trying to avoid the meaning behind James´ voice.

“Good thing Remus could come…” James added. Sighing, Sirius turned to his best friend.

“Yes, Prongs. What do you want me to say? That I just decided on the spot for us to have a party tonight to keep on spending time with Remus?”

James´ eyes were glittering with excitement and his mouth had spread into an even bigger grin.

“Cause you can bet your arse I did that. Now get to texting people, we cannot seem like two miserable pricks with no friends!”

“Yes sir!” James put his hand to his forehead, in a soldier-esque way, but it was clear he was holding in a laugh. “You know, Pads, even though that´s a really psycho thing to do, it's actually kind of sweet.” He added.

“Oh shut up.”

\--

“Guess who has arrived?” Mary´s voice rang from the front door.

 _“MARY!”_ Lily shouted while turning her head around and starting to run, her long red wavy hair bobbing side to side, from where she and Remus had been standing in the kitchen.

“Hi there, love!” She answered and Remus followed Lily out of the kitchen and into the living room watching the two women embrace.

“Hey, McDonald.” He said making his way to the two of them. She was wearing a short, tight black dress, her curly black hair just touching her shoulders and black eyeliner that could cut like a knife. In other words, she looked gorgeous.

“Oh no no no, I am not done. You do not get to steal her yet, Lupin!” Lily said, hugging Mary even more fiercely.

“Lils, I love you, but you are kind of crushing me.”

“Well that's what you get when you don't come see me for over a week! I need to make up for all of my lost daily-doses-of-Mary.”

Remus chuckled, “I'll guess we'll say hi later, then.” Mary nodded where her head was being squeezed in between Lily´s neck and shoulder, and he made his way to the kitchen pulling out a beer out of the fridge and sat down on one of the bar stools.

He let the pair of them be alone, because although Mary had been Remus´ friend first, he and Lily came as a package deal. It wasn't long until Mary and Lily had become close friends as well, which he was only happy about, and they too needed time alone together. He really wasn't a possessive person, something he was very thankful for.

Not before long he found himself being hugged from behind, bringing him back from wherever his mind had drifted off to.

“Hi, sweetie.” Mary hummed in his ear and kissed him on the cheek.

“Hi.” He smiled and she squeezed him a bit harder.

Lily was standing on the other side of the counter with a beer pressed to her lips.

“Ugh, you both look so cute.” She sipped her beer merrily.

“Alas it's not meant to be.” Mary said, winking while Lily rolled her eyes and muttered “that´s not what I meant”, going over to the cupboard and taking out a wine glass. “When is the _moron_ arriving then?” She started filling it with a bottle of red wine which stood on the counter.

“Mary, be nice.” Lily tutted.

“I'm always nice.”

Remus couldn't help but laugh at that, making Mary eye him.

“Don't act as if you don't know exactly what she meant, MacDonald.” He shook his head.

She shrugged and took a sip.

After about twenty minutes, Remus´ front door was pulled open and on the other side stood Andy, the same dopey grin as always wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt. “I am here my dear friends, you can all finally relax.” He said making his way to the kitchen.

“Shoes! Andy!” Remus groaned and was met with a smile from the other man.

“Hah, sorry.” Andy shrugged his trainers off in the middle of the living room, continuing making his way to the three of them. First nodding at Remus “Moony” and hugging him, then over to Lily with a kiss on the cheek and a murmur of “Red” and at last Mary with a “Well…to be in the presence of such beauty!” which was met with her rolling her dark brown eyes at him with a “Dream on honey.”

“I brought the goods,” Andy wiggled his eyebrows and took out a bottle of Tito´s and a bottle of Tequila.

“You absolute legend. Let's do shots before we go!” Lily´s emerald eyes were burning with that kind of excitement Remus had only ever seen her radiate, in his opinion it was her best look.

“When are we supposed to be there?” Mary chimed in, helping Andy fill up some shot glasses while their shoulders were bumping each other playfully.

“Uhm,” Remus pulled his phone out of his front pocket, 09:10 it displayed, “In about thirty minutes.”

“Great! More than enough time to get a little more presentable then.” Andy hummed, taking a shot and shaking his head with the aftershock.

\--

Sirius was running around the flat, tidying up in a hurry as he was, as usual, running late, and the time of the party was closing in. The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars had been on repeat since they'd gotten home from the lake, and in this moment, Starman was coursing through the apartment.

“Prongs, _for fuck’s sake_ can you take your underwear away from the kitchen floor!” He shouted.

He could hear the door to James´ bedroom open and turned around to see James coming into view, he was grinning ear to ear and had begun to open his mouth when Sirius interrupted him.

“And _no_ I don´t wanna know why they´re there. There is no explanation good enough.”

“Pads relax! I'm afraid you'll pop a blood vessel or something.”

Sirius stopped at his tracks and battled with the thought of pouring a bucket of water over James´ stupid head. It would certainly be very satisfying, endearing, hilarious, but to his better judgment he decided that it would neither be productive nor help with the way his heart was hammering in his chest. He nodded and went to sit down on their couch.

James came over, standing behind him, he held a glass of water out in front of Sirius, which he eyed suspiciously. That was, until the hand disappeared, only to be exchanged with his best friend’s other one, which instead held a bottle of beer. Sirius accepted the offer with a grin and took a big swig.

“Thanks, I needed that.” He hummed appreciatively.

“Yes. Yes you did.” James replied. “Look I've brought all my runaway pants into my bedroom, we´ve cleaned every gucky thing that had mysteriously appeared during the last weeks. Honestly…” Sirius heard James turn around, “What do you think that stain on the table was? We have to get to the bottom of it.” He trailed off and seemed to get lost in thought. Sirius cleared his throat urging him to continue.

“Well we have enough alcohol and snacks to feed a whole football stadium…” James chuckled, trying to reassure Sirius. “What I mean is that you´ve got nothing to worry about mate.”

“I know, I know.” Sirius said, trying to still his bloody heart.

 _Why was he so nervous?_ Well he knew why, or to be more exact _whom_ , one gorgeous person called Remus Lupin. But the feeling that had been spreading through him since they'd gotten home felt so unfamiliar to Sirius, as if an alien had taken over his body or something. He usually never lost his cool like this.

_Knock-knockity-knock-knock_

Sirius and James´ attention were directed to the front door, at the familiar beat, and they smiled. The door swung open and in its´ stead stood two young women. Marlene, wearing black jeans with a white shirt tucked into it, was holding Dorcas´ hand, who was dressed in jean overalls with a black graphic tee underneath it.

“Hello, gentlemen!” Marlene´s strong voice boomed into the apartment.

“Hi, guys.” Dorcas chimed in pulling out a bottle of red wine smirking, raising one eyebrow.

“Hello, my dear lesbians!” Sirius responded as he and James made their way towards the pair.

“I love the braids, Dorky.” James said as he hugged the smaller of the two women.

“Thanks Jamie, had them done yesterday.”

“They look awesome.” Sirius commented as he released Marlene and turned to hug Dorcas, who was sporting a head full of braids reaching her ribcage.

Marlene hummed in agreement and kissed Dorcas.

“You do look ravishing, my darling.” She added and Dorcas gave her a peck on the cheek in response.

“Well come in, come in.” James beckoned the pair and went into the kitchen.

“So what is up with this whole impromptu party?” Marlene asked as they followed James.

But before Sirius had the chance to answer James, stupid, stupid, _stupid_ James, blurted out, “Pads is trying to impress Remus!”

Sirius turned towards the man, who used to be his best friend but now his sworn enemy, narrowing his eyes while the two young women laughed.

“Of course,” Dorcas said as she shook her head and uncorked their wine.

“But wait…I'm confused... have you been in contact with Remus since last week?” Marlene added furrowing her brows.

Sirius turned, from where he was trying to make James´ head explode with his mind, to Marlene. “We exchanged some messages, and then we met today at the lake.”

“Lily was there too!” James chirped in, clear adoration in his eyes.

“So, Lily is coming too?” Marlene´s eyes widened with excitement.

“She sure is.” James responded smiling.

It wasn’t too long before Sirius and James´ apartment was buzzing with life. James had hooked up his phone to their speakers, and at the moment Golden by Harry Styles was filling the room.

All around the hallways, living room and kitchen stood their friends, and friends of friends, and friends of friends of friends. Somehow even though it had been a last minute invite a lot of people had come, probably because the two of them were kind of infamous in Gryffindor for throwing a hell of a good party.

James’ entire football team had just arrived and, as if they had had no time to spare, were currently in the kitchen occupied with a game of shot roulette, which had quickly deteriorated into just taking shots of different types of alcoholic liquid. In the living room, on the couch, sat Marlene and Dorcas having a lively discussion with Gid and Fab, twins they´d known from Secondary school, but who were currently working together with James at the Three broomsticks, whom they had grown to love.

Sirius was leaning on the wall next to Molly, the twins younger just as red-haired sister, talking to her and her boyfriend Arthur. He didn't quite follow what they were saying though because every five seconds his attention was directed at the front door, waiting for one and one person only to walk in.

 _What if Remus had blown off the party?_ No, why would he do that? Sirius huffed to himself, thinking.

James would never let him live it down if he threw a party explicitly to find a natural way to spend time with the one person that didn't show up for it. If that happened, knock on wood that _it wouldn’t,_ Sirius would probably spend the rest of his life under his covers. Nay the rest of eternity. And _no_ he was not being dramatic, James would have to push his food onto the bed and give him water every day and all of that. Maybe he could borrow a drip from the hospital? No, Sirius couldn´t possibly give up food, James would just have to play nurse for some time. But, how would he go to the bathroom? Well he´d figure it out along the way. Oh…maybe they could hook him up to some sort of catheter or something.

“Yeah I agree, what do you think Sirius?” Molly nudged him with her shoulder.

He turned his gaze from the door onto the plump young woman.

“Sorry, I zoned out.” He chuckled. “What did you say?”

“Harry being on the Vogue cover wearing a dress. I think it is so awesome.”

He was about to answer but was disrupted when he heard the doorbell ring once. His head snapped around so fast he heard his neck crack. Bringing his hand up to it he watched as James opened it.

In first came Lily, walking through with her long wavy red hair wearing a lavender coloured sundress. Trailing behind her was Andy, who seemed to have said something funny by the way the corners of Lily´s mouth had just turned up. Both of them hugged James who were swaying a bit, probably from the large amount of alcohol currently running through his bloodstream.

Behind the two of them came Remus, tall as ever, handsome as ever, wearing a big black band tee with a pair of straight legged dark blue jeans held up by a black belt, his hair curly on the top and shorter on the side.

_You're so golden_

_You're so golden_

_I'm out of my head_

_And I know that you're scared_

_Because hearts get broken_

He had his arm around the shoulders of a curvy black woman with curly shoulder length hair and a tight black dress. She was looking up at him smiling. Sirius felt as though his heart had sunk down into his stomach. _Was she Remus´ girlfriend?_ No, that doesn't have to be the case. You could also hold your friend like that, his mind tried to reassure himself.

Sirius, by now, had completely come to terms with the somewhat scary idea that he was very interested in Remus, very, very, _very_ interested, and as he was determined to start _something_ , at least, with the man he had to do some investigating on the topic.

He left the couple, who by now was immersed in some very public displays of love, making his way across the room to the others.

“Sirius mate!” Andy´s voice greeted him, and they hugged, his eyes already a bit hazy.

“Glad you could come.” He responded, clapping Andy on the back, but his eyes had landed on Remus who was taking off his shoes, a pair of black low Doc Martens, although many of the others that were at the party hadn´t. _Of course_ _Remus would_ , Sirius smiled to himself. He turned to Lily next and nodded.

“Hello, Evans.”

“Hey there, Black.” She answered, and brought him into a hug.

Sirius held her tight letting Lily´s comforting warmth surround him; it was kind of weird how natural it all felt already. As if he'd known all of them forever.

 _“LILS!”_ Marlene shrieked, jumping up off the sofa, running towards the redhead.

 _“MARLS!”_ Lily cried back and embraced her friend as Dorcas made her way to the group.

“Hi, darling.” Dorcas said, as she too greeted Lily.

Remus was standing on the other side of the three women talking to the unknown woman and James. He tried to sense their dynamic, but couldn´t really get a certain vibe or indicator from them.

The hairs on his neck stood up as the feeling of someone watching him, something he'd learnt, _more so had to learn as a child_ , crept through him and he turned around. His eyes met Lily´s kind emerald ones, he gave her a reassuring smile and she held his gaze for some seconds before turning to the group.

“Everyone this is Mary... Mary this is everyone!” She said with joyful eyes gesturing back and forth.

“Hi Mary! Dorcas.” Dorcas said as she hugged the stranger kissing both her cheeks and Marlene, clearly a bit drunk, wrapped her arms around the other woman's neck saying, slightly too loud, “Hi I´m Marlene!”

“Hey, Mary, as you know.” The woman answered with a chuckle.

“I'm Sirius!” He smiled and her eyes seemed to twinkle a bit at him as the corners of her mouth turned into a dazzling smile.

She brought him into a hug, “Hey there, I´m Mary.”

Marlene turned to Remus who were still observing the scene from afar.

“Hi, new best friend!” Marlene smiled at him and brought him into an embrace. Remus laughed at that.

“Hi Marlene! Nice to see you again.”

Dorcas greeted him as well and then it was just Sirius.

Should they hug? He thought. Well…he had hugged all of the girls as well as Andy, and he was by no means a supporter of those weird unwritten ‘laws’ of toxic masculinity that said men should only shake hands or even worse give one another a half-hug and then clap each other on the back- he shuddered at the thought.

Sirius made up his mind and walked towards Remus, his pulse quickening with every step.

“Hey, it's the brave man of the day.” He smiled. Remus grinned back.

“Hi, how are you?” He lowered himself down so Sirius could give him a proper hug.

“Good, good.”

He looked into Remus´ eyes that seemed to be catching every light of the room, or somehow being the ones emitting it. Once again, Sirius really wasn't sure how eyes could be that warm golden.

“Well.” Mary clasped her hands together. “I am ready to party, anyone care to show me where the alcohol is located?” She continued and was eagerly dragged into the kitchen by Marlene and Dorcas.

Sirius and the others made their way there too, Andy had apparently already made himself at home and was standing at the counter in between Benjy and Gid taking a shot of some tequila.

“So, we have loads of different drinks here!” James gestured around the kitchen. He was holding a red cup, with some type of mystic liquid inside of it, as he started counting on his fingers, “Beer, vodka, wine, rum, whiskey. I can mix something up if you like. You name it!” He smiled dopily. “What do you want, Evans?”

“Oh, I´d take some rum and coke, if you have it?” She smiled back.

“Coming right up.” The two of them went to the counter as James said something which made Lily laugh.

Sirius couldn't help but smile at the two, crossing his fingers for James´ good luck, but were then reminded of a fact that instantly made his heart beat a bit faster. But not from dread or anxiety, from pure and utter excitement.

Sirius and Remus were, once again, alone.

“So Remus, what would you like then?”

“A beer would be nice.” Remus answered giving him a smile that warmed Sirius up from the inside out.

“Beer it is!” He went over to the fridge and took out a bottle, uncorked it and handed it to Remus.

“Thanks.” He took a sip.

“Have you recovered from the jump earlier this day?” Sirius asked, querking an eyebrow.

“Barely.” Remus huffed a chuckle.

“Well…at least you're alive right?”

“I think so?” He started padding himself on his arms and chest making Sirius laugh a bit. “It was kinda cool actually, it felt like- like flying.”

“I know, it is the most amazing feeling. You just gotta do it, be brave.” The end of the sentence spoken more so as an encouragement, towards himself, for the night ahead.

“Yeah, it was.”

“So…what you mean is that you are incredibly and eternally thankful for me for helping you live this new awesome brave life?” Sirius, now more confident, tried giving Remus one of his flirty looks, waiting for how it would be received.

Remus laughed, “I never said that.” and shook his head, but a smile was spreading on his face which in Sirius´ opinion was a win.

“Your eyes say it.” Sirius raised his shoulders casually.

“Oh they do now do they?” Remus chuckled but then his eyes turned a bit darker. “What else would you say they say then?” He bit at his lower lip and as Sirius was just about to open his mouth to respond someone dragged Remus away by the arm.

That someone was Mary. _Infuriating Mary_. Remus shot him an apologetic glance and shrugged as he left Sirius standing there all alone.

Sirius huffing turned around and walked towards Dorcas and Andy who were chugging beers and picked one up. Nodding towards the pair he too began drinking.

\--

It had been about two hours since Remus and his friends had arrived, the same amount of time since his kitchen talk with Sirius.

Since then, he had consumed four beers and was getting slightly tipsy. He took another sip of the drink in his hand where he was currently sitting in the green armchair, Lily in front of him on the ground leaning on his knees, content just listening to her talking to Gideon and Mary who were seated on the brown sofa.

“You think so? Well, I for one adored Meryl Streep in _Bridges over Madison_ _county_.”

“Did I just hear Meryl Streep?” Sirius´ voice, a bit slurred, cut in leaning over the back of the sofa next to Mary´s head.

“You heard correctly.” Mary answered with a grin.

“First of all, the goddess that is Meryl Streep can never go wrong, but if I had to pick, I´d have to say Donna in _Mamma Mia._ Hands down best movie to _ever_ exist, I will not be taking criticism.” He plunked himself down on the couch.

Remus shook his head, _figures_ , and tried to contain the smile that was spreading on his face.

“Her performance in _Sophie's Choice_ is amazing as well, that woman is a chameleon I tell you.” Gideon chipped in.

“Remus?” A light soft voice said from behind him, he turned around and saw a thin woman sporting a black haired pixie cut smiling brightly at him.

“Alice!” Remus exclaimed, surprised, and stood up to greet her as she came closer.

He pulled away from the hug, looking around the room, “Is Frank here as well?”

She laughed, “Yes he's here, somewhere. But why are you here?”

“Oh, Sirius and James invited us.” She still looked confused. “Uhm we met last week, Friday to be exact, in the Three Broomsticks. Marlene knows Lily.”

Alice´s round eyes widened even more.

“Oh but of course! How are you feeling after…you know, everything?” She smiled and Remus´ breath got caught, without meaning to, he turned towards Sirius who sat staring at the pair of them and within a second walked some steps away to be able to talk to Alice without being overheard.

“Yeah, yeah I'm okay. Thanks for asking Alice! Everything okay with you?” He tried to sound relaxed but was getting more anxious by the second, he did not need everyone to know just yet.

“I'm very good, thank you.” Alice answered with a soft voice, and then a weight was crashing onto him.

“Lupin, my man!” Frank bellowed.

“Hey, Frank!” He laughed. “Things are good?”

“ _Very_ , you?”

Remus nodded in response as Frank turned to his girlfriend taking her hand and spun her around bringing her into an embrace.

“Hi, princess.”

“Hi, darling.”

They kissed, and Remus took that as his queue to leave them alone. Instead of returning to a curiosity filled Sirius, he walked towards where Andy and James were playing beer pong, with a couple of James´ football mates, on their kitchen table.

“I am undefeated, drink, young man. Drink. Drink!” James shouted out merrily as his yellow ball landed in one of the red cups on Andy´s side of the table. The blonde haired man nodded and drank every single drop of the beer.

“Moons!” Andy slurred, as he saw him, clearly drunk. “We need your help. James is right he cannot be defeated. He cannot. But you my good man, best man, best friend…” Andy blinked, wide eyed, at him “…What was I saying?”

“That… you need my help?” Remus chuckled.

“Yes yes exactly, you are awesome at drinking games! So we need your help, yes.” He smiled, his prizewinning grin, which was enough for Remus to take the wet ball from the table and toss it.

It landed straight into one of James´ teams, many remaining cups, and the man´s eyes widened as he shook his head.

“Remus!” James gasped pointing at him. “That was very sexy.”

He rolled his eyes but stayed for the rest of the game, resulting in their victory against James´ team and a couple of more beers in his system. Remus was properly drunk by now and found that the drinks he had been putting down all night had reached his bladder and naturally nature called. Striding down the hallway, looking for the toilet, he opened one of the doors to his left. There, in the dark, on the bed, laid two people making out, he muttered a _‘sorry’_ as he closed it as fast as he could.

Remus could never understand people who had the guts to do that at a party where anyone could just walk in on them, but he guessed he never really had anyone he´d felt that compelled to do it with. That urge of _I need you right here, right now_. He continued down the hallway and found the toilet at the end of it.

He went in, lifted the lid of the toilet, and did his business. While Remus was washing his hands he heard a snore coming from behind the shower drapes and he pulled them away. There in the bathtub, laid a chubby, red faced person. He checked around them to see if there were any indications that anything could be wrong but deeming that everything seemed okay he left them to their nap.

Once again out in the living room he looked at the clock on the wall and saw that it was nearing two in the morning. To the right of the clock, he saw a balcony door and with a couple of long strides he was pushing it open.

He breathed in. Fresh air had truly never felt so good. He stood for a while, leaning on the railing, looking out into the night. There were some stars visible together with the almost full moon, but nothing in comparison to how they usually adorned the sky from his cottage in Wales. The lights of the city always seemed to wash away some of the magic of the night sky. His eyes travelled to the moon, always there even if it wasn´t always seen, surrounded by stars bigger and smaller, brighter and dimmer, seemingly never alone but sometimes lonely nonetheless because in the end how could the stars truly understand how it felt to be a moon?

He heard the door behind him being pushed open and through it came Mary.

“Hey.”

“Hi, love.” She responded and closed the door. She stopped beside him and pulled out a joint from her purse together with a lighter, raising an eyebrow. “Do you fancy?”

He nodded and she put it in between his lips as she lit it up. He took a long drag and exhaled. Weed was something he was fairly used to. The first time he had gotten to try it was for medicinal reasons, a couple of years prior when he had been at one of his worse. It had been prescribed to help him with the nausea and vomiting following the chemo treatments but had also helped him with some of the anxiety. After he'd gotten better, he still treated himself to some, from time to time.

Remus felt his shoulders, that he hadn't known were tense at all, relax as he gave her the spliff.

“Thanks.” He murmured.

“Having fun?”

“Yeah very, you?”

“I love them, like I didn´t know you could have so many soulmates, but they are all so incredible.”

“I know.” He laughed.

“But don't worry, you´re still my number one.” She shoved him lightly.

He smiled in response putting his arm around her shoulders, kissing her on the top of her head.

“So…Sirius?”

“What about him?” Remus took another drag as she held it out to him.

“Well it's obvious, isn't it? He has you twisted around those lovely fingers of his.” She gave him a smug look.

“Oh, it's obvious now is it?” He raised his left eyebrow.

“Very.” She laughed, as the door was yanked open by none other than Sirius, as if fate were playing a trick on him.

Remus´ mouth, though he tried to resist, turned into a dopey smile as the young man tucked his black waves behind his ears.

“Oh, can I get a drag?”

“Absolutely sweetie.” Mary answered and gave him the joint.

He inhaled and for a moment Remus´ mind, relaxed by the substances travelling through his body, slipped to the memory outside of the pub, the memory that he'd tried to suppress, the memory of _die young and leave a pretty corpse_. For a short second, all of the nice things about Sirius were gone: his kindness, his boldness, his looks. Remus´ heart was beating faster and he clutched the railing behind him for something to do. The weed was supposed to calm him down, _come on do your job._

Sirius seemed to have noticed something was wrong as his blue eyes widened, they looked almost pleading as he coughed once from another drag.

“I´m just gonna go use the loo. See you soon lads.” Mary called, winking to Remus, and left the two of them alone outside.

Remus turned around once more, gazing out over the city and then up to the sky. Immediately the stars and the moon calmed him down.

“It's a nice view.” He heard Sirius take a couple of steps and then he was standing next to him. Their shoulders nearly touching.

“Yeah it is, too bad such few stars can be seen though.”

“You think? This is the most I´ve ever seen, grew up in the city.”

“You´re named after a star, but have never seen a proper starlit sky? That’s a bit embarrassing.” Remus chuckled, feeling more at ease.

“Bloody ridiculous is what it is. Nearly the whole families named after them, or supernovas or some bullshit.” The man beside him huffed.

“I think it's cool, Sirius is a nice name.” Remus admitted and let his eyes fall on the other man´s which were reflecting the sky, the star-filled galaxies, the whole universe, back at him.

“Thanks,” He smiled. “So, where am I?” Sirius smiled and turned towards the sky, more eagerly than before.

Remus looked around for a while trying to find Sirius the star. Thrill and excitement filled him up when he eventually found it.

“See that really bright star in the middle right there? It's surrounded by some smaller ones and two somewhat brighter ones beneath it?” Remus pointed towards the sky and Sirius shuffled closer, standing slightly in front of him so that their eyes were aligned, his back pressing against Remus´ chest.

“Yeah I think so…”

“That is the constellation Canis major, meaning big dog in Latin. It contains what is usually called the dog star, which is the brightest star in that constellation and also to be seen from earth.” He took a breath and pointed towards the particular star. “Also known as Sirius.”

He could practically feel Sirius´ eyes widen even more.

“The brightest star?” Sirius said so quietly, that if it hadn't been completely silent except from some cars in the distance, Remus wouldn't have heard him at all.

“The brightest star.” He responded.

Sirius turned around, his piercing blue eyes a shade darker looking up at Remus just so…so beautifully.

They were standing so close that Remus could have sworn he could taste the smell of the man in front of him- whiskey, weed, husky cologne. Sirius´ eyes were fixed on Remus´ and he felt the other man shifting even closer as if there were no such thing as _close enough_.

The door suddenly flung open making Remus take a step back, he turned his head towards the sound where James stood grinning, at the two of them, good naturedly.

“We´re gonna play ‘Never have I ever’ if you wanna join?” And with that he trailed off inside.

Sirius smiled sheepishly which Remus nodded in response to, and they made their way in.

Remus was surprised as he looked at the screen of his phone, it was nearly three in the morning. It seemed that all of the guests had either gone home or ventured out into town while he´d been outside.

But although the room was quite empty in comparison to before, it certainly didn't feel like it as he made his way towards his friends, smiles etched onto each and every one of their faces. Their two friend groups now meshed into one. The transition had been so easy that he hadn't even noticed it was happening until it was done.

On the couch sat Lily, shaking with laughter, her head leaning on Andy's chest and feet in James’ lap, which the latter looked more than ecstatic about. Mary was lying on the rug on the other side of the coffee table, swaying her hips to the music.

Remus took the place of the armchair and was handed a beer from James who smiled at him brightly.

Remus found that he had instantly felt very much at ease with James, which he usually didn´t do with new people. There was something in Remus that just told him that James was good and not in an ordinary ‘he's a nice enough bloke’ kind of way, but in a ‘this man in front of you is inherently good hearted’ way. He smiled back and accepted the beer with a “Thank you.”

Turning his gaze, a bit to the left, he saw Sirius walking down the hallway, opening one of the doors, the one Remus had opened by accident before, and let out a loud;

“Oi you horny vixens get out of my room.” and went inside, “We´re playing ‘Never have I ever’, come one now.”

Remus could hear muffled voices, a “But, the bed is so comfy” and an “Okay okay, let me just put my bra on.”

Out of the room came Sirius, Dorcas and Marlene.

“Thanks for not using my room ladies, I owe you!” James winked towards the two young women raising his glass of whiskey.

“No problem, mate.” Dorcas plunked herself down on the floor next to Mary, laying her head comfortably on the other one's shoulder.

Marlene went over to where Remus sat and gave him a smile before sitting down in front of him, leaning her head on his knees, which, he wasn't gonna lie, made him feel very happy.

“Okay I guess you all know how ‘Never have I ever’ works so let's get right into it shall we?” Sirius said and waited for the people around him to nod. “You wanna start Jamie?”

“Never have I ever gotten so drunk that I vomited.” He smiled gleefully, fully aware that most of them would have to drink. There were huffing and drinking but among them was one who didn't drink - Dorcas who just smirked and raised her chin up a bit.

“Never have I ever run through a football field, wearing nothing but a mask on my face, that means _stark naked_ everyone, in celebration of a win.” Marlene declared looking at Sirius.

“I hate you.” Sirius said and took a shot.

Remus shook his head laughing, somehow even though it was a crazy thing to do it didn´t surprise him at all.

“Never have I ever... shagged someone in this room.” Sirius said.

Remus, buzzed on both alcohol and weed, drank from his beer at the same time Mary and Andy did, as well as Marlene and Dorcas who clinked their glasses together.

He looked up from his bottle, across from him Lily had sat up straight, her eyes wide and mouth open, giving him a look of _‘What the fuck did I just witness?’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading I hope you enjoyed, as always I love reading your thoughts so don´t be shy to leave a comment! If you wanna chat more with me I have a tiktok account - moonyxmoa! Come hang out <3


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